Jokes

Archive of the Sojourn3 General Discussion Forum.
Daz
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Jokes

Postby Daz » Mon Feb 10, 2003 4:47 pm

A Halfling, a Dwarf and a Barbarian are in a bar having a cool drink when a good-looking female Elf comes up to them and says, "Whoever can creatively say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So, the Barbarian quickly says, "I love liver and cheese."

The Elf Babe remarks, "That's just not good enough."

The Dwarf says, "I hate liver and cheese."

The Elf Babe remarks, "That's not creative."

Finally, the Halfling speaks out, "Liver alone... cheese mine."

*****************************************************

A Gnome met a tall Elf at a bar and she took him home to have sex. Afterwards when he is getting dressed, he sees a picture of a Barbarian Warrior on her dresser.

The asks her who the picture is of and she replies, "Don't worry about it."

He then says, "Well is that your husband?"

She says that it is not.

"Well, is that your boyfriend?"

Again she says no.

The guy then says, "Well then, who the hell is it?"

She replies, "It was me before my operation."

***************************************
After dating for two years a male Halfling and female Barbarian finally tie the knot. Both had decided not to have sex until the wedding night. After the big wedding ceremony the two are whisked away by a druid to some private, unknown location. They wave bye to the druid and after some heated cuddling and making out it becomes obvious its time to have sex with one another for the first time.

"Honey" the Halfling says
"Yes?"
"I have something I need to tell you."
"Yes my love?"
"I'm hung like a baby."
"Oh, my" says the barbarian clearly disappointed. "Well, I still love you dearly and I wont let something like that stand between us."
The Halfling beams a smile at her and then pulls his pants down. The barbarian's eyes widen and her jaw drops.
"Oh my god!!" she exclaims "I thought you said you were hung like a baby?!"

"I am....7 lbs, 3 oz"

*****************

An Elf, a Human, and a Dwarf enter a pub and take a seat at the bar. Each orders a mug of ale. As the ale arrives a fly lands in each.

The Elf shoves his away in disgust.

The Human sticks his fist in the mug and sloshes the fly out. He then quaffs the ale in one gulp.

The Dwarf ever so gently picks up the fly by the wings, holds it upside down over the mug, and shouts: "SPIT IT OUT!"

****************************************
Shevarash OOC: 'Muma on Artificial Intelligence - Muma OOC: 'someday the quotes really will just become AI and then i'll talk to the AI and be like, hey you come from me, but it will get angry at me and revolt and try to kill me or something heheheh. like in the movies''
Musi
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Postby Musi » Mon Feb 10, 2003 6:31 pm

:lol:

I needed a good laugh today. Thanks Daz 8)
Keka
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to add to your collection

Postby Keka » Thu Feb 13, 2003 6:26 am

A blind half-elf walks into a bar, taps the person next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a dumb orc joke?"

The orc says back to the blind half-elf, "Look buddy, I'm an orc. The guy behind me is a 400-pound professional mercenary and he is an orc. The bouncer is an orc. The guy sitting over to your left is also an orc. Still wanna tell that dumb orc joke?"

The blind half-elf is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

********************************************************

A gnomish woman went down to the local temple to get aid. The priestess asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"Dalziwoble, Dalziwoble, Dalziwoble, Dalziwoble, Dalziwoble, Dalziwoble, Dalziwoble, Dalziwoble, Dalziwoble and Dalziwoble," she answered.

"They're all named Dalziwoble?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'Dalziwoble,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'Dalziwoble, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

*******************************************************

Four barbarian ladies were having mead one afternoon.
The first barbarian women tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him father."

The second barbarian woman chirps, "My son is a wealthy landowner. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'My Lord.'"

The third barbarian lady says, "My son is a King. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called ‘Your Magesty.’"

The fourth barbarian woman sips her mead in silence, the first three women prod her with a subtle, '"Well??"

So she replies, "My son is 10'2. He has broad, square shoulders. Terribly handsome. Tight muscular body. Hard buns and a very nice bulge. He is also a male dancer at a female strip club and whenever he walks into a room…women gasp,‘OH MY GOD!’"

****************************************************

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly barbarian man -- tossed his trousers to his slender elven bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was five times the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers," she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."
Ashiwi
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Re: to add to your collection

Postby Ashiwi » Thu Feb 13, 2003 2:52 pm

Keka wrote:A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly barbarian man -- tossed his trousers to his slender elven bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was five times the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers," she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."


BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

::wipes a tear from her eye::

Don't make me explain it Lorgie.
Guest

Postby Guest » Mon Feb 17, 2003 5:43 am

This is from an actual room on the MUD.

Funny Joke Adapted From Tv For Toril [217:97147]

Theres three Pc's sitting on a bench in Balder's Gate. One is an elf,
one is a dwarf, and one is a human. The human is looking around to see
who is going to try and rob him, and just as he thinks the elf is going
to attack, he notices an old lamp under the bench. Taking interest as
well, the elf forestalls his plans for a bit. The human reaches down to
pick up the lamp, but the dwarf casts him a furtive glance and says,
"Thats mine human, leave it be." Not wishing to have two enemies the
human gives up his claim and leans back against the bench. The dwarf,
now thoroughly excited picks up the lamp and begins to rub the lamp with
mad abandon. Succesfully achieving only a shiny spot, he gives up and
tosses the lamp over his shoulder. The elf quickly leaps over the bench
and grabs it up off the ground. Grinning slyly, he seats himself down
and non-chalantly pops the lid off the lamp. Lo and behold, a giant
djinn flies out of the lamp, cackling at the top of his lungs. After a
few minutes of galavanting around the bench, the djinn says "I am so
happy, I will grant each of you 1 wish!" The elf quickly claims title to
all three wishes since he was the one who opened the lamp, but the djinn
will hear of no such thing. So the three ponder possibilites for five
minutes or so and the djinn prompts them to make a decision as he has
some relatives in the Calimshan Desert he has'nt seen in two centurys.

The elf says "I wish only that all of my people return to the homeland
that we may live in peace and harmony, away from all these outsiders."

In a flash of magic and light, the elf dissappears along with all of
the other elves passing in the street.

Thoroughly impressed, the dwarf says "I wish only that all of my people
return to our homeland that we may live in peace and harmony away from all these outsiders."

Once again the djinn calls upon the ancient ones and in a dazzling
display of blue smoke and fire, the dwarf disappears along with all the
other dwarves passing on the street.

The djinn smiles at the human and says "You are the only one left, what
is your wish?"

The human grins and says, "Let me get this straight, all the elves are
on Evermeet, and all the Dwarves are in Mithrill hall right?"

The djinn nods his giant head and says "Correct."

The human says, "Great...I'll have a diet coke"

--D2 (I didn't say it was funny)
Daz
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Postby Daz » Mon Feb 17, 2003 5:48 am

Boondock saints rawks
Shevarash OOC: 'Muma on Artificial Intelligence - Muma OOC: 'someday the quotes really will just become AI and then i'll talk to the AI and be like, hey you come from me, but it will get angry at me and revolt and try to kill me or something heheheh. like in the movies''
Gurns
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Postby Gurns » Mon Feb 17, 2003 3:35 pm

D2 wrote:The human says, "Great...I'll have a diet coke"

He asked for a Coke when there are still halflings roaming the realms? *cry*
Ragorn
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Postby Ragorn » Mon Feb 17, 2003 6:30 pm

Yeah, I'd have asked for a halfling juice.
- Ragorn
Shar: Leave the moaning to the people who have real issues to moan about like rangers or newbies.
Corth: Go ask out a chick that doesn't wiggle her poon in people's faces for a living.
Zellin
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Postby Zellin » Mon Feb 17, 2003 11:15 pm

A human priest is riding horseback down a long, barren road when his horse dies. Stranded in the middle of nowhere, the priest begins his long walk toward the next town. Shortly afterward, a human noble passes him in a horse-drawn carriage. The carriage pulls over to the side of the road, and the nobleman offers the priest a ride.

A few miles down the road, the nobleman spots a barbarian walking on the side of the road. He signals to the driver, and the carriage pulls to the side of the road, but doesn't slow down. The poor barbarian is trampled under the horses' hooves, and the priest feels a thump as the plainsman passes under the wheel of the cart.

"How could you do that?" the priest asks. "You'll be sent to the nine Hells!"

"It's okay," the noble says. "Every man sins now and then. I will be forgiven."

The priest realizes that he is right, and so they continue down the road. A short while afterward, they happen upon a dwarf, stomping his way down the side of the road. The noble again signals to the driver, and the horses trample the dwarf. Squish, thump.

"By the wisdom of Deneir, you will be sent to the nine Hells for certain this time!!!" the priest shouts.

"I'm sorry," the noble says. "My sins shall be forgiven. It won't happen again."

The priest, again seeing that the noble is right, says nothing.

Shortly up the road, the noble spots a halfling walking on the side of the road. Yet again, he signals to the driver, and he swerves to strike the halfling, but misses.

"Son of a sandworm!" the noble shouts. "I missed him!"

"It's okay, the priest says. "I got him with the door."
Zellin group says 'I'm still here buddy =)'
Zellin has left the group.
Vahok
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Postby Vahok » Tue Feb 18, 2003 12:41 am

A ranger and a barbarian are walking down a path. The barbarian suddenly stops and puts his ear to the ground.

"Buffalo come", he says to the ranger.

"I'm a ranger and I don't notice anything! How do you know that?" the ranger replies.

The barbarian points to his ear and says...

"Sticky"
Meatshield
Vahok
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Postby Vahok » Tue Feb 18, 2003 1:11 am

Two dwarves walk out of a bar....
















What! It could happen! :wink:
Meatshield
Teyaha
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Postby Teyaha » Tue Feb 18, 2003 6:59 am

What's the difference between a dwarf female and a catfish?

one has whiskers and stinks, the other is a fish.
Sundara
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Re: Jokes

Postby Sundara » Tue Feb 18, 2003 11:39 pm

Daz wrote:***************************************
After dating for two years a male Halfling and female Barbarian finally tie the knot. Both had decided not to have sex until the wedding night. After the big wedding ceremony the two are whisked away by a druid to some private, unknown location. They wave bye to the druid and after some heated cuddling and making out it becomes obvious its time to have sex with one another for the first time.

"Honey" the Halfling says
"Yes?"
"I have something I need to tell you."
"Yes my love?"
"I'm hung like a baby."
"Oh, my" says the barbarian clearly disappointed. "Well, I still love you dearly and I wont let something like that stand between us."
The Halfling beams a smile at her and then pulls his pants down. The barbarian's eyes widen and her jaw drops.
"Oh my god!!" she exclaims "I thought you said you were hung like a baby?!"

"I am....7 lbs, 3 oz"

*****************


*laugh* phew 8)
When poverty comes knocking on your door, love escapes through the window.

-German Proverb-
thanuk
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Postby thanuk » Wed Feb 19, 2003 12:45 am

Whats the difference between loading a cart full of bricks and loading a cart full of dwarves?
.
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You can use a pitchfork on the dwarves!
Mysrel tells you 'have my babies'
You tell Mysrel 'u want me to be ur baby daddy?'
Mysrel tells you 'daddy? No, I think you have the terminology wrong'
You tell Mysrel 'comeon now we both know i would be the top'
Mysrel tells you 'can be where ever you want to be, yer still getting ****** like a drunken cheerleader'
Ashiwi
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Postby Ashiwi » Tue Aug 26, 2003 10:07 pm

Got this today and it tickled me. It's soooooo fitting for Oklahoma City in the summer.


Dear Mom:

May 30th: Just moved to Oklahoma City. Now this is a city that knows how
to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I
watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful.
I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in
an air-conditioned home, drive an air- conditioned car. What a pleasure
to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots
of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for
me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But
getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.

July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my
body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my
lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th: I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left
this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had
died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the
$2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car
now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more
pets in this heat.

July 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!!
And it's hot as hell. The home air conditioner is on the fritz and the
AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to
order parts.

July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in
damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come
here?

Aug. 4th: It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today.
It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this freaking humidity makes the house feel like it's about 95. Stupid repairman. I
hate this stupid city.

Aug. 8th: If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm
going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator
is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked
cat!!

Aug. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on
the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ass was on fire. I
lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass.
Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

Aug. 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and
sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2
months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next,
so my $1700 worth of cactus just might dry up and blow into the crappy
pool. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th: Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to
crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The
installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife
had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Freaking
Oklahoma. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?
Colje
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Posts: 157
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2002 6:01 am
Location: Tønsberg,Norway

Postby Colje » Wed Aug 27, 2003 8:00 am

An Elf walks into a pub and clears his voice to the crowd of dwarven drinkers. He says, "I hear you dwarves are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give 500 gold to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of extra stout back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the elf's offer. One dwarf even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same dwarf who left shows back up and taps the elf on the back. "Is your bet still good?" asks the dwarf.

The elf says yes and asks the pub keep to line up 10 pints of extra stout. Immediately the dwarf tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the elf sits in amazement. The elf gives the dwarf the 500 gold and says, "If you don't mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The dwarf replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Colje
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Posts: 157
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2002 6:01 am
Location: Tønsberg,Norway

Postby Colje » Wed Aug 27, 2003 8:01 am

Dwarves go to war.

Durin Ironshield of the iron hills pays a visit to the Elven King of Mirkwood.
"Sir", says Durin, "We have decided to go to war with ye."
The elven king looks incredulous, but takes war seriously.
"We? Who is this we?", he says sternly.
"Well, that would be me, me brother Thorin, his son Durin, our cousins Olin and Golin, and our pop Thrain."
"My good Dwarf, I have 1100 elves at my command that can be ready to move on a moment's notice.", says the king.
"Oh.", replies Durin. "Let me get back to ye on that."
The Dwarf leaves, but returns two days later.
"Ok king, I have rounded up two more cousins and we a few axes between us all."
"Sir Dwarf, I have 300 of the finest archers around, plus my royal guards are all spellsingers, armed with swords of sharpness."
"Oh, well, I see." The Dwarf lord thinks a bit. "Let me come back to ye."
And he leaves to return again in two days.
"Ok king, we have rounded up a few more swords and I think we are ready".
"You should know my good dwarf that I have since raised the size of my elven army to 1300."
"Ah fok!", and the dwarf leaves. He comes back the next day.
"Well king, I am afraid we have to call off the war."
"I am sorry to hear that. Was it the power of my elven army to changed your mind?"
"Nah, I spoke to all my kin and we decided that we just did not have the room for 1300 prisoners."
Colje
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Posts: 157
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2002 6:01 am
Location: Tønsberg,Norway

Postby Colje » Wed Aug 27, 2003 8:02 am

Dragoon J'riel an hiz tropps wur marchin' intae tha mountains ae Butcher Block, closin in on tha greatcity ae Kaladim. Az theybe roodin' a corner they heart a shoot from on top ae nearby hill. Lookin' up they see a dwarf what be standin' on tha hill callin' 'em names an such, grabbin himsel' an makin rude gestures at 'em. He shooted oot
"I be Kazon Stormhammer tha meenest, brawest dwarf wote'er lived. Nae match fer masel' ben' foun' in a' tha lands ae Norrath. Ye fookin' inkies can nae tooch a hair ae me beard. Get ye stinkin' pimply inkie arses oot ae me mountains."
Now tha Dragoon he got reel pissed at hearin' this an he shoots back intae hiz troops," Guard Taba go git me that dwarfs head." So up jumps guard Taba, he goes runnin' up tha hill an' soon can be heard tha soun' ae battle. The soun' ae steel on steel an' ae a sudden a loud "Plop". Down o'er tha hill comes rollin guard Taba's head, rolloin' ta the ver' feet ae the Dragoon. We' ol' J"riel neer has't a fit, he wuz totally pissed at wot had jus' happened.
When again they be hearin' tha dwarf shoot oot, "I be Kzon Stormhammer tha brawest dwarf wote'er walked tha mountains ae Butcher Block. Ye darkies shoult run ye little arse's back ta ye hame an hide 'for we come after ye. Ye all smell like dragon shite" an look like a Orc's arse."
That dragoon wuz furious he wuz stompin' an' a screamin' turnin' his skin all shades ae purple. He screamed oot,
"Corporal T'nath take four men an bring me that dwarfs private parts." So tha Corporal he grabbed hiz four men an up tha hill they run jumpin o'er the top an soon could be heart tha soun' ae battle, the cling an clang ae sword on shield. All at wance those below hear tha fam'lar soun' ae "Plop, Plop, Plop" an down tha hill wot come tha heads ae tha corporal an hiz men.
An up stands Kazon shooting at tha top ae hiz lungs, "I be Kazon Stormhammer tha dwarf of dwarves, slayer ae darkelves tha world o'er. All ye blue skinned fookers not e'en worth tha time it takes ta kill ye."
Well now ol' Dragoon J'riel almost pisset himsel'. He turnt' an screamed at hiz troops, "Get yur arse up there an get me that dwarfs head, all ae ye! Now!"
So up leapt all tha troops wot wuz left an they ran up tha hill soon enoug' could be heard tha soun's ae battle. The dragoon he coul' see blood an' limbs a flyin. When ae a sudden he spies a young guard come runnin' an' a slippin down tha hill fear in hiz eyes. Well J'Riel shoots oot,
Wot's the matter boy?" The guard shooted oot as he ran away, "There be two of 'em up there sir."
Colje
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Posts: 157
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2002 6:01 am
Location: Tønsberg,Norway

Postby Colje » Wed Aug 27, 2003 8:02 am

An elf, a human and a dwarf were enjoying a nice meal when a fight breaks out in the common room of a tavern.
The human immediately stood up and said. "Come friends, let's join this fight and toss them out."

The elf placed a hand on the human's arm and said, "We shouldn't fight unless we have to. Leave them alone."

The dwarf just sat and watched the fight go on.
tables were overturned, chairs were thrown and the fight just kept on going until all of a sudden, the dwarf growls and launches himself into the fray. In a matter of seconds he's beat up and thrown out all the combatants and has sat back at his chair.

His two companions sit rather stunned and look at him. Finally the human asks, "What came over you?"

Just then a serving wench arrives with the Dwarf's tankard of Ale and says, "Thanks, I thought I'd never get your drinks here because of that fight."
Colje
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Posts: 157
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2002 6:01 am
Location: Tønsberg,Norway

Meeting hot chicks in online game, ouchie...

Postby Colje » Wed Aug 27, 2003 8:03 am

Meeting hot chicks in online game, ouchie...


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