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Daz
Sojourner
Posts: 1942
Joined: Wed May 08, 2002 5:01 am
Location: newark, delaware
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Postby Daz » Sat Feb 15, 2003 5:50 am

I was normal once, as defined by society, anyways. I didn't hate
happy things, and I celebrated holidays and birthdays, I even smiled
once in awhile. Life went on, day after day, and I just surfed the
waves of time.

Then, like normal people do, I fell in love. I was 18 or 19 at
the time, too young to really understand what was happening to me.
My mind swirled around her, and everything was hers. Every
love song was written just for us, and the poets spoke
just for our feelings.

Looking back, I only assume that I knew it was love, because
my teenage body was infatuated with her mind, her person, and not
her body. While I found her beautiful, I had placed her above
my carnal desires, and suppressed those needs in fear of losing
her.

That was why it was doomed to fail, I now believe. She was not
my friend or my lover, she was my everything. I do not blame
her leaving. I moved out, and we went out seperate ways, not
without angry words.

The years following that have been a blur of confusion. The
days run into each other like so much sand, and time is lost to
me. There were other women, but none of them had a chance. I
was the perfect gentleman, courting them and pampering them, and
lavishing attentions on them when I got them in the bedroom.
Weeks would go bye, and I would grow agitated with them, because
I knew what was expected. This was time to say, 'I love you.'

I did love each of them, in a way. But none did I love like
the first, and they all grew tired of competing with a ghost,
and left. I let these people into my lives, and I hate myself
for living a lie. All of these women I have allowed to believe
my affections were a sign of love. I have even said those
three damned words they wish to hear, always spoken in that
time where my mouth does not belong to my mind.

Do you realize how much I despise myself for letting people
love me?

Maybe two years ago, I don't really know, the first came
back to me. A call out of the blue, while I was hosting
a party. The girls and guests were downstairs with jello
shots and playing cards scattered throughout the den, but
I had escaped to my room to change into a shirt I did not
mind losing. My cell phone rings, and I idly pick up the
phone, preparing a brush off, when I heard her.

"Kwirlie?" she asked, and I almost could not respond.

How we had met years ago, is another story for another time,
but suffice for now to say that our character names were
pet names for each other.

The party continued without me, and I didn't care. For
hours we talked, about everything. No detail was unimportant.
She told me of her lovers, I told her of mine. It was
different this time, I no longer looked at her through
the veil of idolation, I could not. I fell in love
with her all over again, and I realized that I will never
be able to love anyone else.

The painful part of this is that I can not love her like
a man loves a woman. She is my best friend, and always
will be, but I have become damaged goods. I am her friend,
and no greater curse did any gods lay upon a man. When
she cries at night, it is my voice that eases her troubles
and soothes her so she can sleep. When she falls for a man,
it is to my ears that she imparts the news. When she is
hurt, I hold her and tell her that the right man will
be waiting for her. I wipe her tears, hold her and
smile, and she is better. There are other woman
trying to dance the game with me, but I have no desire
for them. We date, we fuck, we fight, I leave. A pitiable
circle that just refuses to end itself.

Do you realize how much I despise myself?

Do not take anything I write here to be suicidal or offensive,
please. I have chemical imbalances, but this is just how
I release my feelings at any given time. Either here,
or more often my journal or my blog, or one of the
sites I do admin duties for. She left tonight, and it
will be some weeks before I join her in paris.

My best friend, the woman I love. There is no
greater love than that for a friend, nor is there a
suffering more painful than to love a friend.

Thanks for the ramble, Cyberia. May my words find
ears that need to hear them. Happy Valentine's Day,
world.
Shevarash OOC: 'Muma on Artificial Intelligence - Muma OOC: 'someday the quotes really will just become AI and then i'll talk to the AI and be like, hey you come from me, but it will get angry at me and revolt and try to kill me or something heheheh. like in the movies''
Ragorn
Sojourner
Posts: 4732
Joined: Mon Jan 29, 2001 6:01 am

Postby Ragorn » Sat Feb 15, 2003 10:35 am

I have a similar story. Permit me to tell it.

Five years ago, the time right after high school. The most carefree time of my life, and although I did realize it, I could never have fully appreciated the joys of living without responsibility, having never experienced the contrary. I had a full time job that paid me well, much more than I needed in any definition of the word.

My first love had come and gone, my first fling the same. What I had were my friends, and at the same time, my game. My friends were all couples but I didn't care... Rob and Jess, Chris and Carrie, Emily and Lance, Sean and Kajal, and others. I was the lone loner, the single single, but it didn't faze me. My game was laser tag, childish perhaps, but we made a sport of it. Tournaments, championships, road trips, M:tG in the lobby. All of us, every day. I remember sitting one day and thinking, knowing, "This will not last forever."

Her name was Emily, I mentioned her above. She dated Lance, the One Who Was Never There. We all liked Lance, he was funny and charming, but rather uninvolved. Emily was so sweet, she was intelligent and innocent. I loved her, and not in the way I loved pizza or my car or Jen (mentioned above but not by name). I loved her the way I loved my own self, my REAL self. We shared a bond, a unique tie, deeper than friends and different from lovers. I would kiss her and tell her I loved her and it was true, and she the same, and we would part ways to our seperate lives until when next we met.

Rob and Jess, their marriage sundered in time. Emily took to consoling Rob and I looked after Jess, with predictable result. First the rumors, then the lies, the sideways glances, the muttered conversations. Then lies became truth, and I made The Mistake. Rebounds from shattered marriages don't work out. My eyes could see but my heart was blind, and I moved away in shame... never knowing who was true to me and who had turned. Emily I lost track of.

I saw her once, a few years later. I visited home, my old hangout. Chatting with friends, not caring who was sincere, she walked in the door with whoever she was dating. Our eyes locked and we hugged, and sat in my car for hours catching up. Midnight came and we parted, without a kiss or a phrase, with only a few vague promises to keep in touch, which I left in the parking lot when I went home.

Another year, and I caught her online. Took me a while to type the two-letter greeting. Not Emily but Evan, her love, on her computer while she undoubtedly slept nearby. We made idle chatter and I asked him to send my greetings, which he said he would and didn't.

More months, my old life forgotten. My latest love out of my life forever, and my heart still wept. A night I can't remember for having no reason to do so. Playing Sojourn I'm sure, my new game, my new friends. Emily sent me a message; Evan had mentioned my name casually, and my attempt to contact her was finally relayed. She was single now, and not long since. The stars aligned, messages turned to a phone call, hours melted into dawn. I invited her for a visit, she drove to see me the next day. At the front door, our eyes locked and we hugged, and I invited her in.

She never left, and we are to be married in June.

We all have the one who got away. But I, I was lucky.

Seize your opportunities.
- Ragorn
Shar: Leave the moaning to the people who have real issues to moan about like rangers or newbies.
Corth: Go ask out a chick that doesn't wiggle her poon in people's faces for a living.
Elisten
Sojourner
Posts: 270
Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2001 5:01 am
Location: Minnesota
Contact:

Postby Elisten » Sat Feb 15, 2003 10:13 pm

Great. Make a girl cry. *great big hugs all around*

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