Jokes of the Day

Archive of the Sojourn3 General Discussion Forum.
Blung
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Location: San Diego, CA,

Jokes of the Day

Postby Blung » Thu Dec 13, 2001 12:34 am

Post your favorite Jokes here.

10 Things In Golf That Sound Dirty

1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
Dranix/Straxin
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Postby Dranix/Straxin » Thu Dec 13, 2001 3:54 am

If you can't laugh about this you need help.... This is a supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal :

"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Image
Dranix Darkthorne
Tesil
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Postby Tesil » Thu Dec 13, 2001 4:28 am

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Dranix/Straxin:
<B>If you can't laugh about this you need help.... This is a supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal :

</B></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Hehehe...this was funny.....4 years ago! Image
Abue
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Postby Abue » Thu Dec 13, 2001 12:53 pm

Did you hear how they got Bin Laden? They dropped Viagra all over Afghanistan until the prick popped up.

Ohh another thing. Epesode II is now out for those who haven't seen it yet.

http://www.fieler.com/terror/

[This message has been edited by Abue (edited 12-13-2001).]
Blung
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Postby Blung » Thu Dec 13, 2001 6:24 pm

Oops!

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
''Hello?'' says a little girl's voice.
''Hi, honey, it's Daddy,'' says Bob. ''Is Mommy near the phone?''
''No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.'' After a brief pause, Bob says, ''But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!''
''Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!''
''Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house.''
''Okay, Daddy!'' A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. ''Well, I did what you said, Daddy.''
''And what happened?''
''Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead.''
''Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?''
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.''
There is a long pause.
''Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?''


[This message has been edited by Blung (edited 12-13-2001).]
Asog
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Postby Asog » Thu Dec 13, 2001 6:59 pm

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high
school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room
with his younger who is only 9 years old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for
a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices
that his little brother is already asleep on the lower
bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top
bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up.
The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping
below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce"
if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new
position.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
She screams.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Whoa!!!
PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!!
I can't get pregnant!
Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you
guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting
mayonnaise all over my face!*!*!*!*!

This is pretty sick, but i found some humor in it, the things co-workers send to each other sheesh!
Iltavera
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Postby Iltavera » Thu Dec 13, 2001 7:33 pm

More Rules of Life;

  _____


Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make
sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant
is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily,
it is a valuable plant.
======================================
The easiest way to find something lost around
the house is to buy a replacement.
======================================
Never take life seriously.
Nobody gets out alive anyway.
======================================
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
======================================
There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick
and the dead.
======================================
Life is sexually transmitted.
======================================
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
======================================
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then
who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
======================================
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at
which one can die.
======================================
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
======================================
The only difference between a rut and a grave is
the depth.
======================================
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he
loves. After marriage, the "Y" becomes silent. my favorite
======================================
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
======================================
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
======================================
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
======================================
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.....
======================================
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
======================================
For people who like peace and quiet; a phoneless cord.
======================================
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
======================================
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
======================================
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
======================================
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
======================================
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
======================================
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
======================================
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
======================================
A conclusion is simply the place where you got
tired of thinking.
======================================
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
======================================
Don't be so open-minded, your brains fall out.
======================================
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look
astonished!
======================================
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!"
...till you can find a rock.
======================================
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
======================================
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to
stop helping me.
======================================
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out
the necessary forms.
======================================
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
======================================
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
======================================
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
======================================
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
======================================
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
======================================
Car Service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
======================================
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Blung
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Location: San Diego, CA,

Postby Blung » Fri Dec 14, 2001 9:54 pm

Three Men, One Bed

There were three men: a white guy, a black guy and a Polish guy traveling together. Late one night, they went into a hotel and said that they needed a room but the hotel only had one room left with one bed. It was a pretty big bed, so they figured they could all squeeze into it. When they got up to the room the white guy slept on the right side, the black guy slept on the left and the Polish guy slept in the middle. The next day they woke up and the white guy said, “I had a dream I was jacking off,” and the black said that was funny, he also had the same dream. Then the Polish guy said cheerfully, “I had a dream I was skiing!”
azzixxenae
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Location: Warner Robins GA

Postby azzixxenae » Fri Dec 14, 2001 10:39 pm

A penis, a banana, and a cucumber are sitting around having a conversation when the cucumber says, "Man, I've got life hard. I sit on a vine, am picked, then shoved into a jar of vinegar, and wait there until I'm eaten."

The banana says, "That's not so bad, after I get picked I sit on a counter, then my skin is ripped off one segment at a time, then I'm eaten."

The penis chuckles and says, "Well at least you only suffer once, as for me, almost every other night, I get a plastic bag thrown over my head, shoved in a dark hole, and am forced to do push-ups until I puke." Image
Blung
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Location: San Diego, CA,

Postby Blung » Mon Dec 17, 2001 11:44 pm

Please Grab!
A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn't work.The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, “Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!”
The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he could help. She explained that she wanted to return the non-working toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special. Once again she yelled, “Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!” The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase. She replied, “Because I like my tits grabbed when I'm getting screwed!”
Blung
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Postby Blung » Tue Dec 18, 2001 8:24 pm

Big Boss Man
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.
Iltavera
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Postby Iltavera » Tue Dec 18, 2001 10:23 pm

Dear Diary,

Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook
for
Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs
separately." The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra
bowls."

Tuesday:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without
dressing." So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend
home for supper.

Wednesday:
A good day for rice. Recipe said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the
rice." It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it
improved the rice any.

Thursday:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said,
"Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one
hour before serving." Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was
rolling
around in the garden.

Friday:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in
bowl and beat it." There must have been something wrong with this
recipe.
When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He
asked me to
dress it for Sunday. (oh boy) For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

Sunday:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find
was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in
the
oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much
to my disappointment.

Good night, Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am
eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we
could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with
"Chocolate Moose."

Blondie
Blung
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Postby Blung » Wed Dec 19, 2001 10:47 pm

Mommy and Daddy Dearest
There are some children in a class naming animals and they come across a picture of a deer.

So the teacher asks Turg, “What is this animal called?”

“I dunno,” claims Turg.

So then she says, “I'll give you a hint—it's what your mother calls your father.”

The boy thinks for a minute and then says, “Oh that's what a son of a bitch looks like!”


[This message has been edited by Blung (edited 12-19-2001).]
Blung
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Location: San Diego, CA,

Postby Blung » Wed Dec 19, 2001 10:48 pm

[This message has been edited by Blung (edited 12-19-2001).]
Gakka
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Postby Gakka » Fri Dec 21, 2001 3:10 pm

Some of the most funny i have encountered in english is.

DEEP THOUGHTS
by Jack Handy

Its a little absurd, and take up so much space that i have just made a link and an apetizer:
http://aries.phys.yorku.ca/~nunes/humour/handy.htm


You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Turxx
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Postby Turxx » Mon Dec 31, 2001 3:55 pm

horse walks into a bar, bartender says why such a long face?
Turxx
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Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2001 5:01 am

Postby Turxx » Mon Dec 31, 2001 6:05 pm

triplets in the womb.
one day they were discussing whut they were going to be when they grew up.
the first one said, im going to be an electrician and then im going to get some lights in here.
the second one said, im goin to be a plumber so i can do something about all the water in here.
the third one said, im going to be a trapper, and im gunna get that fricken gopher thats keeps popping up over there.

whut do you get when you combine 50 lesbians and 50 government workers?
100 people who dont do dick.
Axxsinlazzam
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Posts: 63
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Location: chicago,Il

Postby Axxsinlazzam » Thu Jan 10, 2002 6:54 pm

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles
upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what
you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest,
you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks
at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says,
"Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing
to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see,
you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor,
mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and
giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my
friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself!
Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit
out of the little rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the
presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. "Lion," they
reprimand, "why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little fucker has me running around the forest
like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"


The Axx.
\/
Nebomosel
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Posts: 53
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Postby Nebomosel » Thu Jan 31, 2002 5:05 am

The Cowboy and The Lesbian

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I’ve
Spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." a little while later, a man sat down next to the old cowboy and asked, "are you a real cowboy?" he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian."

Yep, I pulled a Mori and ressurected an old thread... but I thought it was worth it.
Neb
Gort
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Location: Ft. Collins, CO

Postby Gort » Thu Jan 31, 2002 10:20 pm

A second grade teacher is reading the story of Chicken Little... she gets to the part where Chicken Little goes to the farmer and says, "The Sky is Falling, The Sky is Falling!". She then asks her class, "and what did the farmer say?"

A little girl raises her hand, the teacher calls on her, and she says, "HOLY SHIT! A talking Chicken!"

She was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes (supposedly a true story)


Toplack
Yarthra
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Postby Yarthra » Thu Jan 31, 2002 10:42 pm

A Rough Night

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the
bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After
leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes
and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over
backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that
he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken
glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself
out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired
the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering
under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the
bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night.
Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a
bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
Yarthra
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Postby Yarthra » Thu Jan 31, 2002 10:46 pm

Couldn't resist this one Image I know there are at least a few people from Indiana who play here Image


You Know You're From Indiana When........

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going to Kings Island for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You use a down comforter in the summer.
7. Your grandparents drive @ 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a blizzard without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
10. It takes you three hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop and talk
to everyone you know in town.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use them.
12. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over his snowsuit.
13. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
14. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
15. You know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, construction.
16. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends in/from Indiana.
Yarthra
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Postby Yarthra » Thu Jan 31, 2002 10:51 pm

TWO COWBOYS

Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about the current cow prices.

Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent
that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head. The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly
runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before."
Kifle
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Postby Kifle » Sat Feb 02, 2002 4:24 am

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Yarthra:
<B>Couldn't resist this one Image I know there are at least a few people from Indiana who play here Image


You Know You're From Indiana When........

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going to Kings Island for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You use a down comforter in the summer.
7. Your grandparents drive @ 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a blizzard without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
10. It takes you three hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop and talk
to everyone you know in town.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use them.
12. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over his snowsuit.
13. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
14. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
15. You know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, construction.
16. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends in/from Indiana.
</B></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

OMG! You are soo right! that is just sad...

Kifle "Put me in Coach!" ButteryFingers
muma
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Location: Seoul, South Korea

Postby muma » Sat Feb 02, 2002 6:41 am

Proof That The Human Race Is Doomed
actual instructions on consumer goods


1. On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping.
2. On a bag of Fritos:You could be a winner! No purchase
necessary. Details inside.
3. On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
4. Some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
5. On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.
6. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
7. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating
8. On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body
9. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery
10. On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness
11. On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children
12. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
13. On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use
14. On Sainsbury's Peanuts: Warning: contains nuts
15. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
16. On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

hehe this was a FWD go figure Image
gogk
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Postby gogk » Mon Feb 04, 2002 1:50 am

havent really read all the posts so i hope im not repeating anything here. but here are some woman bashing jokes..all clean tho, suprisingly

why do women wear white on their wedding day?

cause the dishwasher needs to match the fridge.

why should you never by your wife a watch?

cause the stove already has a clock on it.

how man men does it take to change a lightbulb?

none let the women cook in the dark.

------------------
Gogk, Everyone Picks On The Fat Kid
moritheil
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Postby moritheil » Mon Feb 04, 2002 8:06 am

stoner joke...

What should you do when you see a spaceman?

Park, man!
Kallinar
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Postby Kallinar » Mon Feb 04, 2002 10:32 am

Three Nuns

Three nuns wanted to get out of the convent, so they went to the mother superior with their problem and she said they had to each commit a henious sin first.

The first nun came back later that day and said, 'I had sex with a married man.'
The mother superior said, 'Go drink from the holy water and your sin will be forgiven and then you are free to go.' The nun did so and went happily on her way.

The second nun came in and said, 'I shot up a schoolyard full of children.'
The mother superior frowned at this, but said, 'drink of the holy water and your sins are forgiven. Then you are free to go.' The nun does so and goes along happy as a lark.

All this time the third nun was watching from off to the side and snickering at the whole episode.
Mother superior asks, 'What is so funny to you? Have you committed your sin yet?'

To this the third nun repiled, 'Yes. I pissed inthe holy water!'

Kallinar
Moo ect.
Tilandal
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Postby Tilandal » Mon Feb 04, 2002 6:36 pm

Everyones probably heard this one but here it goes anyway.

An Indian, Frenchman and a Polishman are lost in the woods and running out of supplies. They decide that two people should stay at camp and a third should go out and hunt for some food. The Indian says "my ancestors used to hunt these woods so I guess Ill go." He goes out and a few hours later comes back with a deer. Over dinner the polishman asks the indian how did you catch the deer. The indian replies I saw the tracks, followed the tracks and then killed the deer.

The next week they were running low on food again. This time the frenchman says "Well Im decended from trappers that used to live around here. I guess i'll go this time." Several hours later he comes back with two beaver. Over dinner the polishman asks the french "wow, how did you catch those beaver." The Fremchman replies
"Well, it was pretty easy, I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks and then killed the beaver."

The next week running low on food again the polishman says "Well, I guess its my turn. How hard can it be anyway?" Three days later the polishman crawls back into camp, battered and bloody. His friend ask him "My god what happened to you?" He replied "Well I did things just like you said. I found some tracks and followed them but all of the sudden I got hit by a train"
Tilandal
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Postby Tilandal » Mon Feb 04, 2002 6:43 pm

Oh just thought of another one.

In an indian village the chief had come down with a horrible case of gas. His assistant went to the village medicin man and says "Big chief sick. Need medicin"

The medicin man mixes some herbs and gives them to the assistant. "These make big chief fart. Then everything better."

The next day the assistant comes back. "Big chief no fart."
The medicin man mixes another batch and gives them to the assistant.

The next day the assistant comes back. "Big chief no fart."
The medicin man looks puzzled but mixes another batch and gives them to the assistant.

The next day the assistant comes back. "Big chief no fart."
The medicin man looks worried but mixes another batch and gives them to the assistant.

The next day the assistant comes back. "Big fart no chief."


Ok, maybe it was funnier the first time I heard it...
muma
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Postby muma » Fri Feb 08, 2002 9:28 am

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Blung:
[b]Big Boss Man
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do. [/B]</font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>


OMFG. THAT IS THE FUNNIEST JOKE I'VE EVER HEARD RECENTLY. seriously oMG LOL
Dormithel
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Postby Dormithel » Fri Feb 08, 2002 7:41 pm

Ode to West Virginia:

West Virginia, where the Women are men and the sheep are afraid!

What has 3 teeth and is 100 feet long?
The funnel cake line at the West Virginia state fair.

What is the West Virginian Holloween tradition?
Pump-kin
Gindipple
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Postby Gindipple » Sat Feb 09, 2002 6:22 am

MANAGEMENT
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can
you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know
where I am."


The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately
30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude
and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.


"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The man below responded, "You must be in Management."


"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.
You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You
made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
muma
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Postby muma » Sun Feb 10, 2002 7:07 am

more more more! Gindipple that is funny joke Image and Yayaril needs to post some of his shit on here, cos he's really funny. I love comedy with a passion!
ssar
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Postby ssar » Fri Feb 15, 2002 10:19 am

*** Beer Troubleshooting ***


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.


SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.


SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.


SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.


SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.


SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.


SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.


SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.


SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.


SYMPTOM: Truck suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.


SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and laughs.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy looking.


SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.


SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.


SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.


SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.


SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.


SYMPTOM: Cold and unable to unlock door to hotel room.
FAULT: Woke up in hotel room, got up to go to bathroom and chose wrong door.
ACTION: Knock loudly on door to wake sleeping wife. If this fails, find hotel worker to
unlock door for you.
Kifle
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Postby Kifle » Wed Feb 20, 2002 8:49 am

There is a man with his wife at the hospital, and she is in a coma. She is not responding to anything, so he dicides to try rubbing her left breast and she responds with a faint noise. Then he decides to caress her right breast. While doing this she starts to moan. He imediately runs to the hallway and tells the doctor. So the doctor says, "Wow! Well, if she is responding to sexual stimulation, you should try oral sex!" So the man goes back into the room. A few moments later the man comes running out of the room screaming, "She's dead! She's dead!" So the doctor calms him down and says, " What happend?! She was doing so well earlier!" And the man replies, "She choked!"

hahahah
vezasee
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Postby vezasee » Sat Feb 23, 2002 2:29 pm

what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
nothing, she's been told twice already
Tilandal
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Postby Tilandal » Sun Feb 24, 2002 9:34 pm

DON'T DRINK BEER
Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked eccessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
Blung
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Postby Blung » Mon Mar 04, 2002 4:22 pm

Differences Between Bosses and Employees

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your Authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.
Gindipple
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Postby Gindipple » Fri Mar 08, 2002 7:36 am

THE CITY OF NEW YORK HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NY City Math Exam...


NAME:____________________
GANG NAME:______________


1.) Little Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually
misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by
shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before
he has to reload?

2.) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio
for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value
of the rest of his hold?

3.) Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many
tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack
habit?

4.) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000
to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

5) Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette,
and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how
many more corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?

6.) Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit.
If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left
when he gets out?

Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing the ho
that spent his money?

7.) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the
average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with
3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?

8.) Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his
gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?

9.) Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa Constrictor
that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie
makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one
week's income?

10.) Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph,
Joe loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his
magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?
Gort
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Postby Gort » Fri Mar 08, 2002 2:44 pm

ROFL~!!!
Gindipple
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Postby Gindipple » Sat Mar 09, 2002 8:51 am

Comparing the Genders

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10 There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after.
Iaiken Toransier
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Postby Iaiken Toransier » Sat Mar 09, 2002 5:39 pm

SMUGGLER ALERT!

An old american couple were on vacation in a Canadian national park, when they spotted a rare species of snake. The husband, being a collecter of rare animals, shoved it in a bag and placed it in his RV.

Later that day, they came accross an albino skunk. This being a prime specimen, the husband shoved it in a bag and placed it in his RV.

Their journey came to an end and they arrived at Canada Customs.
The wife asked, "Frank, what about the animals?"
To which he replied, "Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll just wear the snake around my waist and say that it's a belt. You can just hide the skunk in your pants."
Dismayed she asked, "But what about the smell?"
To which he responded, "Hey, if it dies, it dies."

It's sick, but it's funny.
Yarthra
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Postby Yarthra » Sun Mar 10, 2002 1:35 am

Obsessed

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even
named your daughter, Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
Zrax
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Postby Zrax » Tue Apr 09, 2002 1:43 pm

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.

Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of
the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving
along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
couple;and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived
the;accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)

Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really
existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and
there
is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

**** Men keep scrolling.


So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have
been
driving. This explains why there was a car accident.


By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this

illustrates another point:

Women never listen.
ssar
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Postby ssar » Wed Apr 10, 2002 2:00 am

This isnt really a joke, but I thought it suitable for this thread..

---

There are many tips on how to write resumes. But how about this for a resignation letter...(An actual letter sent by a fed up US employee in Port Huncliff, New England, apparently)

Mr. Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superior shares an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself, and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen.

I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple a binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.

Your shiny new Mac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp-dressed, useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude.

In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting points.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your damn mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow, not ONE minute later. One word of this to anybody and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*ck with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.

Sincerely,

Ted Brewer

---

Sweet.
Gort
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Postby Gort » Wed Apr 10, 2002 3:14 pm

I think Ted Brewer is the pen name for my old roomate, who actually did the above mentioned when he left the local admissions office of our higher education institution.

The letter of recommendation he got btw was VERY flattering. I'm not sure his former boss acutally used a kechup bottle, but I do recall some less than flattering photos.

Funny as hell.


Toplack Frostbear

*The first two groups to make friends w/ at a new job, IT and facilities, after that, life runs MUCH more smoothly.*

------------------
viashro
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Postby viashro » Wed Apr 17, 2002 1:29 pm

There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad that she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "It's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

------------------
In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king.
muma
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Location: Seoul, South Korea

Postby muma » Wed Apr 17, 2002 6:25 pm

OMg, Ted Brewer ROCKS! that story is so funny hehe Image

------------------
Leah A. W.
groguk
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Postby groguk » Wed Apr 17, 2002 7:38 pm

I AM A COLLEGE STUDENT ....2nd edition

I am a college student. I have a specific shower stall which I refer to as 'mine' and my feet will never touch the floor of it.

I am a college student. I try to rotate stalls in the bathroom so I can read all the material taped to the walls.

I am a MALE college student. I always have more than one condom on hand. Two in one nite? morning after? you never know.

I am a college student. I now fail to distinguish the difference in taste between water and beer.

I am a FEMALE college student. I own a sweater which resembles a bathrobe.

I am a college student. I didn't get my homework done cuz the kid I share a book with wasn't home last nite to get it to me.

I am a college student. Drunken scrawlings on my message board or late nite drunken IM's from friends across campus no longer perplex me.

I am a college student. Somebody keeps stealing my damn message board marker.

I am a college student. I pre-party in my room just so I will be drunk enough not to notice the sub-zero weather when I walk to the bar without a coat.

I am a college student. I pray for hotties in my classes so that I will have a reason to go to that class. i will, however, never talk to any of these hotties.

I am a college student. I can no longer remember what was cooked in those dirty dishes.

I am a college student. I have seen more than one party turn into a strip show.

I am a college student. My telephone number only has 4 digits.

I am a college student. I have spent nites on the floor because I couldn't get up the ladder to my bed.

I am a college student. I see no problem fitting 2 people in one twin size bed.

I am a MALE college student. I know that a gentleman would let her sleep next to the wall. (It's a long way to the floor.)

I am a college student. I will cross busy streets just to pick up what might be a quarter.

I am a college student. I want a girl/boyfriend that disappears from 9pm-2am every friday and saturday nite, reappearing undressed in bed with me when I get home.

I am a college student. Answering machine messages are a thing to be celebrated.

I am a college student. When I see movie trailers on TV, I say 'I can't wait to RENT that'

I am a college student. Going 'out to eat' no longer involves getting in a vehicle.

I am a college student. I don't know half of my professors' names.

I am a FEMALE college student. I use empty beer bottles for vases.

I am a college student. Christmas lights are a year-round decoration.

I am a college student. Laundry bags double as suitcases.

I am a college student. The 'clink' sound that my fridge door makes when it opens makes me very very happy.

I am a FEMALE college student. I have worn my huge fuzzy slippers to the cafeteria. at dinnertime.

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