DnD jokes... from old sos2 emails...

Archive of the Sojourn3 General Discussion Forum.
Posts: 156
Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2001 6:01 am
Location: IL, USA

DnD jokes... from old sos2 emails...

Postby Thurg » Tue Sep 17, 2002 6:31 am

Eric and the Gazebo
The Eric of the story is an optimizing-type gamer. Confronted with options, he
will, given time, calculate the best solution. Otherwise he is "a superior

The game was run by Ed. Eric was playing a paladin. He was on some lord's lands
when the following exchange occurred.

Ed: You see a well-groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill you see a

Eric: A gazebo? What color is it?

Ed: (Pause) It's white, Eric.

Eric: How far away is it?

Ed: About 50 yards.

Eric: How big is it?

Ed: (Pause) It's about 30 ft. across, 15 ft. high with a pointed top.

Eric: I use my sword to detect good on it.

Ed: It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo.

Eric: (Pause) I call out to it.

Ed: It won't answer. It's a gazebo.

Eric: (Pause.) I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it respond in
any way?

Ed: No, Eric, it's a gazebo!

Eric: I shoot it with my bow {rolls to hit}. What happened?

Ed: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.

Eric: (Pause.) Was it wounded?

Ed: Of course not, Eric! It's a GAZEBO!!

Eric: (Whimper.) But that was a +3 arrow.

Ed: It's a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO! If you really want to try to destroy it, you
could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I
don't know why anybody would try. It's a @#$%!!* gazebo!

Eric: (Long pause. He has no axe or fire spells.) I run away.

Ed: (Thoroughly frustrated.) It's too late. You've awakened the gazebo. It
catches and eats you.

Eric: (Reaching for his dice.) Maybe I'll roll up a fire-using mage so I can
avenge my paladin.

At this point, a semblance of order was restored when other party members
explained to Eric what a gazebo is. A little vocabulary is a dangerous thing.

Thurg, Zossonnarr
Posts: 156
Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2001 6:01 am
Location: IL, USA

Postby Thurg » Tue Sep 17, 2002 6:31 am

33 famliliars you'd have been better off without
1. A common garden slug
2. A curious basalisk
3. Fluffy, the queen's dearly loved and highly prized cat
Chet Tidwell,
4. Giant Garden slug
5. Giant War Dog in Heat
n36ia@pnet16.cts.com (Et3 Francis)
6. Mold (any type)
7. Green Slime (No boy! Down! Don't touch my leg.... *squish*)
scythe@stein2.u.washington.edu (The Grim Reaper)
8. Rot Grub
9. Giant Cockroach
10. Intellect Devourer
11. Ear Seeker
arxt@quads.uchicago.edu (Dave Palmer)
12. Disenchanter
aevans@nmt.edu (Alex Evans)
13. Haddock.
14. Dormouse.
15. Penguin.
16. Flea.
17. Bee.
jvw@dcs.warwick.ac.uk (J.V.Williams)
18. Smurf
19. Skunk
20. Rust Monster (Your familiar ate WHAT!)
21. Disenchanter Beast (Your familiar did WHAT!!!!!)
22. Trapper, Mimic (Here Fluffy, dang it, where
is that mangy beast?)
23. Bookworm.
(Dang, Hungry again? , Fluffy,
have you been at my Libram of Ineffable Darkness
again? Why are your eyes glowing?)
24. Wil-o-wisp (Fluffy, fetch my shoes, dammit!)
mehawk@agora.rain.com (Michael Sandy)
25. Juggernaut (Your familiar rolled over WHAT!!!)
26. Giant Centipede
mlandaue@ux4.cso.uiuc.edu (Michael C Landauer)
27. The ex-apprentice of the wizard on the otherside of
the street. (Why horrible? Look in one of the other lists Image
richard@cs.vu.nl (Berwald Richard)
28. "You have developed a strong empathic link to a small blob of surprisingly
intelligent green slime." :-)
The best bit: He can't kill it, 'cause it's his familliar. And he's got
to feed it, and it grows every time he feeds it, so this is soon going to
be a er, sticky situation.
dant@cs.utexas.edu (Dan Alexander Thompson)
29. Tarrasque (Your Familliar ate What? Waterdeep?)
HC61@lafibm.lafayette.edu (HC61000)
30. Red or Gold dragon 'Ah cant remembah the last time ah got an
experience point... '
esmorodi@prism.poly.edu (Elliot Smorodinsky)
31. How about a Magebane?
s892804@minyos.xx.rmit.OZ.AU (Robert Winkel)
32. Chaos Ball. (Has to be fed magic items or party members......)
jvw@dcs.warwick.ac.uk (J.V.Williams)
33. A wicker basket ("Well, it used to be a treant until my apprentice
needed some firewood")

Thurg, Zossonnarr
Posts: 156
Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2001 6:01 am
Location: IL, USA

Postby Thurg » Tue Sep 17, 2002 6:32 am

101 Inns You Should Probably Stay Away From…
Compiled & edited by Joel Hahn
Written by: Joel Hahn, Zimri, Jessen Yip, Etan Lord Moonstar, John W. Mangrum,
Larry Mead, Daniel Quattrone, PJS, Bullethead, Aleph, Zax, Debihuman, Timothy
Coyle, Lucius Chiaraviglio, Jarlwolf, James Robinson, Wildwood, The Delraich
Mage, Leonardh, Gebhard Blucher, Sheitan, Tim Kutz, RGray26249, Weston
Griffiths, Engel Nobbe, and BillyB

Sometimes, an inn is probably better passed by and quickly forgotten, regardless
of how much you need to rest or how far it is to the next inn--for if you DO
enter, you just know your characters are in for a rough time. Some of these inns
can be determined just from the name alone...

1. Procrustes' Rooms For Rent
2. The Otyugh's Lair
3. At Least the Mead is Warm...
4. Notell Motel
5. Bates Motel
6. We Hate Mages
7. The Lucky Louse
8. Keep Out
9. The Amityville House o' Fun
10. Zhentil Keep
11. Bob's House of Toast
12. The Speling Flayme
13. The Tortured Adventurer
14. The Angry Munchkin
15. The Angry DM
16. The Unfortunate Stain
17. Encounter 5A
18. The Lich's Foot
19. International House of Flumphs
20. The Tomb
21. Lost Taverns of Tsojcanth
22. Puke and Go
23. Tequila Wyrm
24. The Inn Definitely Not Run by Doppelgangers
25. Green Slime-O-Rama
26. Rot Grub Pudding Restaurant
27. The Illusionary Floor Inn (a.k.a. "The Dew Drop Inn")
28. The Bowels of Vecna
29. Castration Palace
30. The Undead Eatery
31. The Grassy Gnoll
32. The Gassy Gnoll
33. The Inn Where You can Get Into Lots of Fights, and Maybe Even Get
Started on an Adventure or Two
34. Cheers: Where Eveybody Knows Yer Moniker.
35. The Inn of Last Resorts
36. The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
37. The Tavern of Elemental Evil
38. Undermountain II
39. The Paranoid Bartender
40. The House of the Blue Balls
41. Strahd Slept Here
42. Hastur, Hastur, Hast__
43. The Golden Arches
44. The Secret Meeting Place
45. The Puking Palace
46. The Abyssal Gate
47. Bar-B-Aatezu and Grill
48. House of Pain
49. Red-shirts' Inn
50. Heartbreak Hotel
51. International House of Long Pork
52. Ye Olde Saving Throw
53. Microsoft(R) Inn98(R)
54. Werebeer
55. The Open Grave
56. The Scarlet Neighborhood Tap & Grill
57. Socrates' Bar & Pub
58. Inn of Horrors
59. The Tavern With a Man Shrouded In Darkness In the Back Corner
60. Hey, We Don't Like Your Kind In This Here Inn
61. Kill the Adventurers Inn
62. Inn on the Borderlands
63. Still Smoking Inn
64. Ground To A Paste Tavern
65. Hell's Kitchen
66. Acererak's Saloon
67. House of Strahd
68. Ye Olde Flophouse
69. Beshaba's Kiss
70. The Rose of Dorakaa
71. Inn Iuz We Trust
72. The Uncursed Inn
73. The Gaping Maw (big red doorway, completely dark inside...)
74. The Angry Wizards' Soda Fountain
75. The Slaughtered Lamb
76. The Thieves' Den
77. Pressgang Hostelry
78. Caveat Emptor
79. Parasite Palace
80. Hotel California
81. Kobold's Delight
82. The Closing Coffin (particularly in Ravenloft)
83. Blue Oyster Bar
84. The Scape Goat
85. The Random Encounter
86. Run For the Border
87. Elminster's Harem (gives new meaning to "The Chosen of Mystra"...)
88. The Tower of High Sorcery
89. Menzoberranz-Inn
90. The Gelded Ranger
91. Snack of the Archlich
92. The Cute Fluffy Bunny Inn
93. The Plague
94. The Towering Tavern O' Terror
95. The Retching Slattern
96. The Save or Die Inn
97. Ye Olde Plot Device
98. The Crazed Cannibal ("serving all kinds of people for over 10 years")
99. The Inn of a Thousand Whirling Sledgehammers
100. Inn of the Damned
101. Chateau d'Amberville

Thurg, Zossonnarr
Posts: 156
Joined: Wed Feb 14, 2001 6:01 am
Location: IL, USA

Postby Thurg » Tue Sep 17, 2002 6:36 am

101 Spells Not Worth Memorizing

1 Acid Trip
2 Affect Abnormal Fires
3 Affect Normal Foyers
4 Air Breathing (land-dwellers only)
5 Airshape (like Stoneshape, but with normal air)
6 Airy Air
7 Alamir's Freeway Breakdown
8 Alamir's Fundamental Theorem
9 Algorithm I-III
10 Anger God
11 Animate Bread
12 Anti-Anti-Magic Shell (Pro-Magic Shell?)
13 Anti-Magic Eggshell
14 Anti-Magic Magic Missle
15 Anti-Magic Magic Mouth
16 Antipathy Orb
17 Audible Hammer (of the M.C. variety)
18 Auditable Glamour
19 Augmented Chord I, ii, III, iv, V, VI, vii

20 Bad Lighting
21 Badly Programmed Illusion
22 Become Dead (reverse of Resurrect Self)
23 Bigby's Assertive Finger
24 Bigby's Clenched Teeth
25 Bigby's Critically Fumbling Hand
26 Bigby's Glove (colors the various Bigby's Hand spells, no bonus)
27 Bigby's Groping Hand
28 Bigby's Hairy-Palmed Hand
29 Bigby's Insulting Hand (the second finger is rather prominent)
30 Bigby's Limp-Wristed Hand
31 Bigby's Shadow-Animal Making Hands
32 Bigby's "Shush"ing Hand
33 Black & White Spray
34 Blind Self
35 Bold Monster
36 Bookworm Blast
37 Break-Wind Wall
38 Break the Wind
39 Bubbling Rainstorm
40 Burning Hands (Yours, ouch)

41 Can Trip (And does!)
42 Change Elf
43 Charm Dead
44 Charm Friends
45 Charm Groupie
46 Charm Potted Plants
47 Charm Self
48 Charm Undead (X rated version)
49 Cheeseball
50 Circling the Square (i.e. Times, Trafalger, Tiannemen)
51 Clause of the Lawyer
52 Clear Audience (usually follows Delayed Blast Flatulence)
53 Clone Undead
54 Clown
55 Color Safe Spray
56 Compulsive Disorder
57 Cone of Bubbles
58 Conjure Emmenthaler
59 Contact This Plane
60 Continual Bad Lighting
61 Continual Right (a political spell)
62 Control Casting Time (controls the casting time of this spell only)
63 Control Feather
64 Copyright Shroud
65 Crass Suggestion
66 Create Coat Hanger
67 Cure Animal Hide
68 Cure Light Winds
69 Cure Smoked Ham
70 Cure STD
71 Current Life
72 Cylons, 10' Radius
73 Cymbal

74 Dalamar's Whoopee Cushion (things that make you go hmmmm)
75 Darkness, 15 micron radius
76 Daylight (material components: must be cast outdoors in bright sunlight)
77 Deathwish
78 Deeppocket Lint
79 Delayed Blast Cantrip
80 Delayed Blast Flatulence
81 Delayed Blast Spitball
82 Demand Blindness
83 Demi-Shadow Puppets
84 Deny Reality
85 Detect Crying
86 Detect Dead (Yep, he's dead alright...)
87 Detect Detect Spells
88 Detect Hound
89 Detect Lightning Bolts (area: 5')
90 Detect Pervert
91 Detect Pink Bunny Rabbits
92 Detect Self (allows you to see if you are yourself)
93 Detect Strikes and Spares
94 Detect Tragic (oooh, theres a sad happening over there!)
95 Detect Unseen Butler
96 Detect Visibility (Yep, I can see that)
97 Detect Weevil
98 Detect Wind
99 Differentiate Without Error (Hey, you never know...)
100 Dimension Doorknob
101 Dispell Nonmagical Reptiles & Amphibians
102 Dispurse Self
103 Doug
104 Doug's Generic Spell
105 Drain Vaccuum
106 Draw Upon Religious Right
107 Drawmij's Court Summons
108 Drawmij's Instant Cake Mix
109 Drawmij's Instant Coffee (components: hot water and cup)
110 Drawmij's Instant Death (Drawmij's CON must be about -30 by now...)

111 Earthly Chorus
112 Enchanted Toothpick
113 Enlightening Bolt
114 Enrage Dragon
115 ESPN
116 Ethertalk
117 Evard's Black Growth (range: 0)
118 Evard's Black Testicles
119 Evard's Blue Testicles
120 Explosive Familiar (it's *your* familiar)
121 Explosive Friends
122 Extension Cord I, II, and III
123 Extinguish Match (casting time: 5 rounds)

124 Face Grasp
125 Fear of Sunmotes
126 Feather Brain
127 Feather Flail
128 Feign Life (as if the caster has one)
129 Feign Orgasm
130 Find Acquaintance
131 Find Floor (somatic component: falling on face)
132 Find Hand
133 Finger of Near-Fatal Injury
134 Finger of Plead
135 Fire Alarm
136 Fire Rap
137 Fire Stick
138 Fireball (reversed)
139 Fiscal Projection
140 Fist of Flesh
141 Fleshskin (range: self)
142 Fool's Lead
143 Foresee Unseen Butler
144 Forget Spells (area: self)
145 Forehead
146 Foreskin
147 Fourier's Transformation
148 Furball
149 Furry Fire

150 Gaze at Reflection
151 Geese
152 Get Flu
153 Get Life
154 Glassteal (swipe that beermug from that unsuspecting peasant)
155 Globe of Vulnerability
156 Grate
157 Graze reflection (if someone hurts your knee)
158 Guess Alignment

159 Hair Extension I, II, III
160 Hallucinatory Escape
161 Hallucinatory Train
162 Hand of Skin
163 Hatch Egg (somatic component: sit on egg)
164 Heal Monster (only works on opponents during combat)
165 Heel
166 Hold Bladder
167 Hold Mustard
168 Hold Self
169 Hornung's Gas
170 Hornung's Police Dispatcher
171 Housefly
172 Hug Self

173 Illusion Debugger (for Badly Programmed Illusions)
174 Illusionary Crypt
175 Iggy's Invisible Illusion
176 Illegal Thoughts (That serving wench looks older than 18)
177 Implosive Runes
178 Impress Plants
179 Improper Suggestion
180 Indirection (address register postincrement)
181 Indivisibility (The caster is a prime number)
182 Insect Plague, 5' Radius
183 Integrate (reversible, Differentiate)
184 Invisibility to Inanimate Objects
185 Invisibility to Dead
186 Invisible Talker
187 Irritate Self

188 Kender Summoning I, II, III
189 Kitchen Sink
190 Knock Knock
191 Know Own Alignment
192 Know Person (in the biblical sense of the word...)
193 Kooshball

194 Legend Bore
195 Legend Lore, Extended Dance Mix
196 Leomund's Condemned Shelter
197 Leomund's Grass Hut
198 Leomund's Mortgaged Shelter
199 Leomund's Risky Tax Shelter
200 Leomund's Secure Chest Cavity
201 Leomund's Sturdy Music Box
202 Leomund's Tap
203 Leomund's Underfunded Homeless Shelter
204 Level Water
205 Lightning Blot
206 Limited Dish (Sorry sir, the Dover Sole is off)
207 Limited Wash
208 Locate Right Hand
209 Locate Self (tells you where you are, relative to your location)
210 Locate Tongue (requires verbal component)
211 Locate Wizard (the _nearest_ wizard)
212 Lorloveim's Shady Deal
213 Lose Familiar (Get lost, ya wee booger!)
214 Lower Cholesterol Level
215 Lower Inhibitions

216 Maggot Missle
217 Magic Boomeranging Missile
218 Magic Gristle
219 Magic Jar-Jar
220 Magic Missal (A really boring prayersheet)
221 Magic Moth
222 Magic Orifice
223 Magic Shotglass (as opposed to Magic Jar)
224 Mail of the Banshee (victim gets letter saying "Waaaaaahh...")
225 Maize
226 Matrix Addition
227 Mauve Earth
228 Meld, Canasta Version
229 Melf's Acid Bow
230 Melf's Acid Trip
231 Melf's Minute Rice
232 Melodramatic Phantom Defenders
233 Memorize Spell
234 Meteor Swan
235 Micrometeorite Storm
236 Mildly Surprising Grasp
237 Minor Delousing
238 Mistaken Identify
239 Mistaken Thought (Gee, guys, it _looked_ like a Gas Spore)
240 Moaning Spirit
241 Mordenkainen's Agnostic Hound
242 Mordenkainen's Aroused Hound (can't get it off of the nearest leg)
243 Mordenkainen's Big Ears (+1 to all hearing checks, ear size quadrupled)
244 Mordenkainen's Bored Cat
245 Mordenkainen's Celery
246 Mordenkainen's Conjunction (Conjunction Junction, what's your function?)
247 Mordenkainen's Faithful Mosquito
248 Mordenkainen's Freeway Junction
249 Mordenkainen's Lubrication
250 Mordenkainen's Sword, -1 Backbiter
251 Mordenkainen's Unfaithful Wife
252 Move Venus
253 Muenster Summoning I-VII
254 Murder Darkness
255 Murdoch's Featherless Fryer (Verbal component: "Butterball")
256 Murdock's Feathery Pillow

257 Nahal's Banana Peel (appears under random ally's foot)
258 No Time
259 No Vacancy
260 Nystul's Undetectible Aura

261 Otiluke's Happy Fun Sphere
262 Otiluke's Resilient Ear
263 Otiluke's Room Temperature Sphere
264 Otto's Irresistible Disco-Duck
265 Otto's Resistable Dance

266 Paraphrase Magic
267 Part Hair
268 Pastel Blade of Warm Fuzzies (9th level Drow spell)
269 Penultimate Fall
270 Phantasmal Fork
271 Phantasmal Morse
272 Phantasmal Thriller
273 Plane XOR
274 Polymorph Mother
275 Power Word Missing
276 Power Word, NO!
277 Power Word, Noogie
278 Power Word, Puke
279 Power Word, Pun
280 Power Word, Smirk
281 Power Word, Spam
282 Power Word, Wedgie
283 Protection from Catnips
284 Protection from Elvis, 10' Radius
285 Protection from Evil Knievel
286 Protection from Halitosis
287 Protection from Normal Air
288 Protection from Normal Missals
289 Protection from Normal Oxygen
290 Protection from Normal Pillows
291 Protection from Self
292 Protection from Weevil
293 Psychoanalyze Without Error (Zo, ven dit you shtop lofink your mutter?)
294 Purge Memory
295 Putrefy Offal

296 Rainbow Enhancer
297 Random Casualty
298 Rary's Mnemonic Cancer (eats away at those favorite spells)
299 Rary's Mnemonic Device (makes silly acronyms out of things)
300 Rary's Pneumonic Cough (range: self)
301 Read Common
302 Rectum of Retention
303 Reincarnation Door
304 Remove Hand (yours)
305 Remove Minus Sign (reversible)
306 Remove Nurse ("Good-Byyyeeee Nurse!")
307 Remove Reality
308 Remove Self
309 Remove Strong Language
310 Reservation
311 Rest Erection
312 Resurrect Living
313 Resurrect Self (problem: must be alive to cast the spell)
314 Reverse Graffiti
315 Rice Storm
316 Rock Summoning I

317 Sepia Cake Sigil
318 Serten's Smell Immunity
319 Sheepskin
320 Shocking Gasp (usually follows Tenser's Shocking Suggestion)
321 Silence of the Lambs, 15' radius
322 Sleep with Dead (yuck... unless you're a real Necromancer)
323 SmorgasMorph
324 Soap-on-a-Rope Trick
325 Solid Frog
326 Speak With Boring Monsters
327 Speak With Dead Plants
328 Speak With Grateful Dead
329 Speak With Living (components: two tin cans and a string)
330 Speak With Mud
331 Speak With Self
332 Sucker (for those of you who actually cast the spell)
333 Summon Allergy
334 Summon Death (Death arrives and kills the caster)
335 Summon Self
336 Swift Envelope

337 Tape Mount
338 Tasha's Controllable Mildly Unpleasant Laughter
339 Tasha's Uncontrollable Bladder
340 Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Daughter (a.k.a. ST:TNG's "Sela")
341 Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Die Rolls
342 Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Flatulence
343 Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Gesture
344 Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Hand
345 Tax Avoidance
346 Taunt a Second Time
347 Teleport Environment
348 Teleport With Lots of Errors
349 Teleport Without Destination
350 Teleport Without Terror
351 Tenser's Double-Sided, Double Density Disk
352 Tenser's Floating Point
353 Tenser's Formatted Disk
354 Tenser's Gloating Disk
355 Tenser's Shocking Suggestion (you want to WHAT??!)
356 Tenser's Slipped Disk
357 Tenser's Deadly Resurrection
358 Tensor Transformations
359 This Space for Rent (fills up space on a scroll or in a mage's memory)
360 Time Start
361 Tonguetwister Change
362 Tons
363 Transmute Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust (priest spell)
364 Transmute Friends to Enemies
365 Transmute Head to Butt
366 Transmute RGB to HSV
367 Transmute Rock to Stone (reversible)
368 Transmute Rock to Jazz
369 Trap the Sole (see Limited Dish)
370 Turn Friends Into Enemies
371 Turn Pebble (rotation, not banishment)

372 Undefined Symbol
373 Unenlightening Bolt
374 Unheard Servant
375 Unscented Cloud
376 Unseen Manservant
377 Unseen Pervert
378 Unseen Sympathy

379 Vampiric Breathing (perfect for harassing phone calls)
380 Vampiric Crutch
381 Varnish
382 Visible Stalker
383 Walk
384 Wall of Dog
385 Wall of Horse
386 Wall of Non-Dairy Creamer
387 Wall of Normal Air
388 Wall of Paper
389 Wall of Velcro
390 Waste
391 Wink
392 Wizard Eyebrow
393 Wizard Lick
394 Wizard Nostril
395 Wizard Stain
396 You Wish!
397 ZX-Spectral Force

Cherzra Eat Slime.

Thurg, Zossonnarr
Posts: 1868
Joined: Fri Jan 26, 2001 6:01 am
Location: Holland

Postby cherzra » Tue Sep 17, 2002 7:09 am

Rofl I remember sending those in years ago, and they are still funny!

Return to “S3 General Discussion Archive”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 8 guests