Something to discuss just because I am bored

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Jenera
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Something to discuss just because I am bored

Postby Jenera » Sun Nov 17, 2002 5:16 pm

Well, I never wanted children before. Loved babysitting and playing with other peoples' children but thought I'd be a horrible mother for a lot of reasons. Several months ago, I go to the doctor for a physical checkup and a trip to my shrink (for those that don't know, I am diabetic, have both kidney and liver disease, and have bipolar disorder) and the medical doctor pulls me aside after poking me around and tells me that I should think a million times before deciding on pregnancy. Apparently it is still possible for me to have children, but not without a lot of pain and possible death.

After hearing that, well I suddenly realized that I DO want children. I would love to hear the word, Mommy, some day from my kids. Everything changes when you get told that you can't have them. So the past few months, I have been thinking a lot about children. How to be a good parent and so on and so forth. So I am posting this to ask of my favorite people in the world, what do you think about the subject?

1) Spare the rod, spoil the child, or is that inhumane?

2) You are religious/non religious and your child decides on the opposite of your beliefs. Do you encourage the child to do what he/she likes or do you instruct them to follow your own?

3) You catch your child doing drugs, what do you do?

4) Spoil your child or be strict?

Questions like these have entered my mind and I am wondering what everyone thinks. Those are just some examples, if you have others, feel free to comment.

A very bored Jennie

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Postby Daz » Sun Nov 17, 2002 6:43 pm

1. Punish the child for being bad, not for making mistakes.

2. Help educate your child, and let them decide if what you believe is what is right for them. Allow them to come with you to services, possibly encourage it, but NEVER force it.

3. Ask them why. Make sure they understand the consequences of what they are doing, beyond the 'it is bad.' Let them understand the laws and what will happen to them if they are caught, and make sure they know where you will support them, if you will, for this.

4. Neither. Allow your child to 'earn' an allowance, that is much like a job. If they don't live up to their end, do not give them their allowance. Pay them value of what they do, teach them about saving money, start a bank account. Let your child make his own purchases, and learn to determine the value of money in the real world.

Most importantly, that you did not mention, is respect. Teach your sons never to hit other girls, and help your daughters understand what other boys will want from them, and why. Respect their elders, and speak with politeness. Treat other children the way they wish to be treated. Support your children, and do not force yourself on them. Little things like saying 'Sir' and 'Ma'am' mean a lot. Have you ever tried to insult an authority figure when you have 'Sir' embedded as something you have to say? It curbs a rampant mouth more often than you might think.

Do not brainwash your child, but let them learn. Teach your child to read early, and let them visit the libraries often. School in America will make your child not want to learn, you need to instill a sense of responsibility before this happens.

Well, I ramble too. But I speak as a child who had some of those things above, and wished for others. Being Bipolar has made the basic parts of living hard for me, but I know what mistakes I have made, and how I would help my child avoid them. And I know what it means to be raised right by my grandmother, who put the values in me that help me to this day.
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Postby Fura » Sun Nov 17, 2002 6:50 pm

Daz - sounds pretty good to me.
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Postby Kifle » Sun Nov 17, 2002 8:35 pm

Wow daz nice. No offense, but I didnt expect that out of you for some reason hehe.

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Postby Musi » Mon Nov 18, 2002 12:08 am

That was great advice Daz Image


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muma
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Postby muma » Mon Nov 18, 2002 12:23 am

DAz: Well said.

Jenera: i think when you give birth your maternal instincts will kick in. or maybe when you're pregnant. i don't know when it happens but i believe it happens. i haven't been pregnant or had kids before tho so i'm not talking from experience......

that's all folks.

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Postby Daz » Mon Nov 18, 2002 12:26 am

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by muma:
<B>Jenera: i think when you give birth your maternal instincts will kick in. or maybe when you're pregnant. i don't know when it happens but i believe it happens. i haven't been pregnant or had kids before tho so i'm not talking from experience......
</B></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

in a world where women have children so they can collect larger welfare checks (try telling that to a kid, that he was a tax break), i am forced to believe that there really is no such thing as true maternal instincts anymore, beyond sheltering and protecting a child. the ability to raise a child was largely destroyed in america during the great woman's rights movement. long live democracy.
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Postby Eza » Mon Nov 18, 2002 1:35 am

I don't have any kids, not even sure if I want any yet, but I think one of the most important things you could *ever* do is be honest with your kids. Be honest about your past, your past experiences, drugs, sex, puberty, everything. My parents were never honest with me about anything, they never told me about any of the things I listed, and more... it affected me. Sure I learned and adapted (somewhat Image, but I think it would have been a lot better to hear it all from my mothers mouth than kids at school.

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Postby Rausrh » Mon Nov 18, 2002 3:31 pm

Jenera,
Have you thought of adoption? It might be safer for everyone involved.

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Postby moritheil » Mon Nov 18, 2002 3:42 pm

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Eza:
<B>I don't have any kids, not even sure if I want any yet, but I think one of the most important things you could *ever* do is be honest with your kids. Be honest about your past, your past experiences, drugs, sex, puberty, everything. My parents were never honest with me about anything, they never told me about any of the things I listed, and more... it affected me. Sure I learned and adapted (somewhat Image, but I think it would have been a lot better to hear it all from my mothers mouth than kids at school.
</B></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Nods... don't lie, because kids always figure it out. On the other hand, be careful what you emphasize, because kids always try to beat the system, too.

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Postby Krogenar » Mon Nov 18, 2002 7:32 pm

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Jenera:
So I am posting this to ask of my favorite people in the world, what do you think about the subject?

1) Spare the rod, spoil the child, or is that inhumane?</font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Don't be afraid to hit your child. Once they realize that you will not strike them until greatly provoked, you can count on them pushing you right up until that limit, and occassionaly, just beyond it, just to be sure what they can get away with. Conversely, don't be afraid to reward your child with affection when they act correctly.

I have far too many friends and relatives who love their children so much, they often let them get their way. If they want candy for dinner, they wail and cry, and finally Mom and Dad break down at the sight of their tears. Rather than think of the child's welfare in the long term (growing up to become a spoiled, undisciplined brat) they think more of their child's immediate well-being (and their own ear drums). I've watched in horror as parents declare a 'time out'. ??? I got none of that as a child! If I misbehaved, and was caught (notice the caveat) _I_ was the one calling for a time out from parents!

Doubtless, some of you are picturing me in my childhood, cowering in some hallway. Not really. My parents rarely hit me. My father never touched me - it's just not in him. My mother, on the other hand, could deliver a tooth-ringing slap to the face with near-invisible speed. I remember rolling my eyes at her once (she was such a pest...) WHAM! she slapped me so fast it made my head spin. I didn't think she was looking - but she was.
The point: you can go up against 'MOM' but you won't win. I knew it was the eye roll that earned the slap, and I knew that my mother would not hesitate for a nanosecond to correct me.

Raising a child is not unlike raising a very intelligent dog. You must prove (as a parent) that you are in charge. Not for any authoritarian kicks, but because it necessary for a child's development and safety.

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">2) You are religious/non religious and your child decides on the opposite of your beliefs. Do you encourage the child to do what he/she likes or do you instruct them to follow your own?</font>


You instruct them to follow your own beliefs and then when they become older, or as they begin to question religion in general, then allow them to find their own way. Children, in my experience, do not develop in a moral vacuum. Something always fills that vacuum, if you do not move to fill it. Kids at school will fill that moral void, or television programs will, or someone else who doesn't have your child's benefit in mind. Instill you child with your beliefs. If those beliefs don't mix with them in the long run, they'll have their whole lives to discover what they believe.

As a child, they aren't ready to decide if there's a 'God' or not. They need to learn how to add fractions first. And more likely than not, they just don't want to go to Church - it's not about theology.

<font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">3) You catch your child doing drugs, what do you do?</font>


Well, if you've followed my advice, your child probably will not have started doing drugs. Image They'll know you don't approve of such behavior, and won't want to lose your trust. If you do catch them, do exactly what you think is in their best interests, regardless of the personal cost to yourself. If that means a beating they'll never forget (unlikely, but possible) or tossing them into a detox shelter (taking away their freedom) then do it. Even if your heart is breaking while your doing it, do what you think is best.

I'd prefer to raise a child that hates my guts but is capable, kind and drug-free, than a child who loves me dearly, but is hopelessly helpless.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2"><B>
4) Spoil your child or be strict?
</B></font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Again, ask yourself: Who are you serving by taking this action? Yourself (I want them to have all the things _I_ didn't have!) or the child? Which will benefit the child more?

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Gurns
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Postby Gurns » Mon Nov 18, 2002 9:45 pm

Every child is different. What works for one doesn't work for another. Be flexible, learn, and adapt.

Every parent is different. What works for someone else doesn't necessarily work for you. Be flexible, learn, and adapt.

Just keep in mind that to be a good parent, you have to be group leader, tank, healer, enchanter, weller, and bard 24/7 for more years than you can stand. You'll get spanked, but you gotta be able to bounce back fast, get the CR taken care of, get the zone done, get the equip distributed and deal with the whines about folks not getting what they want. And then do it all over again. And again and again. For, like, forever.
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Postby Daz » Mon Nov 18, 2002 9:59 pm

omg, i must still have a hangover, i swear i just read a post comparing leading zones to raising children.

scary. but i don't know which way.
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Postby vezasee » Mon Nov 18, 2002 11:52 pm

I know where you are coming from Jenera, having a child was always a nebulous proposition for me, until I lost what would have been my first child. I suddenly realized that I really do want children.

And as for parenting advice, you need to instill in your children a sense of independance. Wherever possible teach them rather than do for them. A totally dependant child is one who stumbles to often when it comes to standing on thier own two feet.

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Postby Grungar » Tue Nov 19, 2002 6:32 am

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Jenera:
Apparently it is still possible for me to have children, but not without a lot of pain and possible death.</font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Ever consider adoption? Woo, adoption!

Daz: Keen response. Hopefully, I'ma raise my future kids (should I ever have kids) somewhat like that, and train them to be a badass elite ninja squadron. That'll rule.

- Grungar "All is well with the cosmos" Forgefire
Daz
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Postby Daz » Tue Nov 19, 2002 6:47 am

I too have spent many nights wondering if my children should be Ninja or Pirate, and it weighs heavy on my mind. Perhaps our children shall live together as ninja and pirate brothers?
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Postby Gort » Tue Nov 19, 2002 9:04 am

Daz, good post.

Jen, I was picked, it worked for me, perhaps picking will work for you....

Toplack

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