Stupid Jokes :D

Ssarra · Postby **Ssarra** » Thu May 24, 2001 4:54 pm

One day, this fish was swimming up a river.
Then suddenly, he ran head first into a huge rock and yelled "Dam!"

I heard this one this morning, got the idea for a stupid joke thread. I wanna hear some, cuz I know you guys have em. Give us people at work something to laugh at

Ssarra

Ssarra · Postby **Ssarra** » Thu May 24, 2001 5:03 pm

Just found this online.....

Only in America...

Only in America...
can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance...

Only in America...
are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink...

Only in America...
do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry,
and a diet coke...

Only in America...
do banks leave both doors open
and then
chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...
do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting
so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten
and buns in packages of eight...

Garosh · Postby **Garosh** » Thu May 24, 2001 5:36 pm

How do ya make a Kleenex dance?

Put a lil boogie in it!!

Niple · Postby **Niple** » Thu May 24, 2001 5:49 pm

Two polocks walk into a bar...

You'd think the second one would have seen it

halfling power baby!

Xyd · Postby **Xyd** » Thu May 24, 2001 6:00 pm

Along those same lines...

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducked.

.xyd

Kelsiria · Postby **Kelsiria** » Thu May 24, 2001 6:26 pm

What did the daddy buffalo say to his son as he was leaving for school?

(and if you say, as Valeos did, Buffaloes can talk? I'll smack ya!)

Bye Son! (bison, get it?)

-----------

What is a fish called with no eyes?

Fsh!

Get it... no eyes (i's)

------------

Kelsi

Guest · Postby **Guest** » Thu May 24, 2001 9:04 pm

I'll repeat my bar jokes from two nights ago...

1. A priest, a rabbit and a shoe salesman walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some sort of joke?"

2. A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve food here."

3. A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my pa(w)..."

--D2

Niple · Postby **Niple** » Fri May 25, 2001 1:34 am

What? No blonde jokes?

Come on guys, lets hear em.

Halfling power!

PS. Anybody wanna shave my feet?

Elarin · Postby **Elarin** » Fri May 25, 2001 3:45 am

Three blondes are walking in the woods.
The first looks down and exclaims
"Oh look! Bear tracks!"
The second looks down and says
"Those aren't bear tracks silly! those are deer tracks!"
The third one looks down

and that's when they got hit by the train.

Elarin the Blonde-joke provider

Ssarra · Postby **Ssarra** » Fri May 25, 2001 12:22 pm

You guys can do better than that!

Here's some classic put downs!

Yo mama so fat, when she rolls over 4 quarters, she makes a dollar!

Yo mama so ugly, they have to tie a steak to her neck to get the dog to play with her!

Yo family so po, when you step through the front door of yo house, you fall off the back patio!

Malacar · Postby **Malacar** » Fri May 25, 2001 2:02 pm

Yo mama so skanky, she like a washing machine, she'll take anyones load for a quarter.

Yo mama so fat, when she wears red kids follow her down the street yelling 'Koooool-Aiiiid'.

Yo mama so fat, when she wears a Malcolm X T-Shirt, helicopters try to land on her.

A toothless beaver walks into a bar, looks at the wait staff, then the bartender and says... "Is your Bartender?" (Bar Tender... get it? Toothless?)

Why are all Italian guys named Tony? Because their moms stamped 'To N.Y.' on each of their foreheads before sending them over. (I am Italian, and I was rolling at this one)

No jokes meant to offend.. I just found some lame and some humorous.

------------------
Malacar - French kissin midgets, and damn proud of it. Oh yeah... My comments can offend you now, I don't care anymore. Have a day.

Revenki · Postby **Revenki** » Fri May 25, 2001 3:40 pm

One of the mama ones I heard yesterday on tv...

Your mama is so old, when I told her to act her age she fell over dead.

Wobb · Postby **Wobb** » Fri May 25, 2001 5:48 pm

The only blonde joke I can remember:

What is the difference between a blonde and a computer?

You can pretty much count on a computer going down on you eventually.

(I take no credit for that I heard it at a computer expo!)

Wobb

Kaeldar · Postby **Kaeldar** » Fri May 25, 2001 6:59 pm

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks down?
Slap her

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?
Dosn't matter, she can do dishes in the dark

What do you say when your girl ask you what time it is?
tell her there's a clock above the stove

Kaeldar Kalaze
wonders why his gf left him?

------------------
What did you expect?

[This message has been edited by Kaeldar (edited 05-25-2001).]

Ssarra · Postby **Ssarra** » Fri May 25, 2001 7:02 pm

Top 10 reasons COMPILERS must be female
=======================================

10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Small talk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild.

Ssarra · Postby **Ssarra** » Fri May 25, 2001 7:03 pm

Top 10 reasons COMPUTERS must be male
=====================================

10. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on, but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.

Ssarra · Postby **Ssarra** » Fri May 25, 2001 7:05 pm

Q. How do you know a blonde has been using a computer?
A. There is whiteout all over the screen.

[This message has been edited by Ssarra (edited 05-25-2001).]

Sartorix · Postby **Sartorix** » Fri May 25, 2001 7:07 pm

Two cowboys ride up to an indian laying in the middle of the trail. The first cowboy says to the other, "hey look, that indian can listen to the ground and hear things miles away."
The second says, "wow! hey indian, what do you hear?"
The indian says, "a wagon with a white horse and a brown horse pulling it are about a mile and a half away. There's a man, a woman, and a little girl in it. There is a bunch of food and provisions in the wagon. oh yah, and the woman's wearing a blue dress."

The cowboys are astonished. The second cowboy says, "How could he possibly know all that stuff from listening to the ground!?"

The indian says, "They ran over me about an hour ago."

------------------
Disco Lemonade 



[This message has been edited by Sartorix (edited 05-25-2001).]

Sartorix · Postby **Sartorix** » Fri May 25, 2001 7:12 pm

And my all time favorite joke:

An indian has his head to the ground listening for something. He says to his friend, "Ten buffalo come."

The other indian replies, "How you know?"

The first answers, "Ground all sticky."

Muaha!

------------------
Disco Lemonade 



[This message has been edited by Sartorix (edited 05-25-2001).]

Malacar · Postby **Malacar** » Fri May 25, 2001 8:06 pm

Cop pulls this guy over for speeding.

Says to the guy, "Can I see your license?"

Guy says, "Sorry officer, I don't have one. It got revoked after my 5th DUI."

"Can I see your registration then please, sir?"

"Sorry officer, I don't own this car. I stole it."

"Can you open the glove compartment please?"

"No officer, I have a gun in there, I used it to kill the owner of the car."

"Can you open the trunk then please, sir?"

"No officer, the body is back there."

Cop goes back and radios for backup... Backup shows, and his captain goes to the male motorist...

"Sir can I see your license and registration please?"

"Yes officer, here they are."

Guy hands the license and reg over, and they all appear to be in fine order.

The cop is confused and asks to see the glove compartment and gun.

Guy says, "Gun sir? I don't own a gun, but here's the glove compartment."

He opens it and sure enough, no gun.

The cop is even further confused and says, "Sir, I was told there was no license, no registration, car was stolen, a gun and a dead body in your car, is this true?"

"Who told you that, officer?"

"The previous policeman on scence, sir."

"Well that explains it! I bet he told you I was speeding too!"

Stupid Jokes :D

Stupid Jokes :D

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