Ha Ha of the day...

Archived discussion from Toril-2.
Lilira
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Ha Ha of the day...

Postby Lilira » Sun Aug 13, 2006 4:31 pm

A pirate walks into a bar, bartender says "you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate says "arrrrrrrrrr its drivin me nuts"
~\o--Lilira Shadowlyre--o/~

You group-say 'my chars will carry the component on them if I can.'
Inama group-says 'hopefully they'll have some sort of volume discounts on ress items for people like you'
You group-say 'oh? Ya think? *giggle*'
Inama group-says 'they could at least implement frequent dier miles'

Suzalize group-says 'oh, eya's over weight i bet'
Ashiwi
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Postby Ashiwi » Sun Aug 13, 2006 4:38 pm

KOL?
Gormal tells you 'im a dwarven onion'
Gormal tells you 'always another beer-soaked layer'

Inama ASSOC:: 'though it may suit your fantasies to think so, i don't need oil for anything.'

Haley: Filthy lucre? I wash that lucre every day until it SHINES!
ssar
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Postby ssar » Mon Aug 14, 2006 11:32 am

A blind man wanders into a lesbian biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
sok
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Postby sok » Mon Aug 14, 2006 11:14 pm

heard it already

yet still funny
Lahgen
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Postby Lahgen » Tue Aug 15, 2006 3:35 am

A priest, a monk, and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Kesena OOC: 'i wish my daddy bought me power tools'
Dorgh group-says 'damn, even with Cofen helping Mori, they STILL can't kill someone
Hekanut says 'I know level doesn't matter much, but most won't take seriously if a level 2 claims to be the best thing before, during, and after sliced bread.'

Rather than seeing "subpar race/class," see "challenge."
Minofagal
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Postby Minofagal » Fri Aug 18, 2006 8:28 pm

A routine police patrol is parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. Late in the evening the officers notice a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the carpark for a few minutes, with the officers quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officers, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To their amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, one of the officers said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "I'm the designated decoy, so I haven't touched a drop all night."
Kaisi tells you 'get smirn, he's better than me'
--HELP! My legs aren't long enough!--
Yayaril
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Postby Yayaril » Sat Aug 19, 2006 5:15 am

8)


What's Irish and sits out on your porch, even in the rain?


Paddy O'furniture
Ashiwi
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Postby Ashiwi » Sun Aug 27, 2006 6:36 pm

Okay, so it's not politically correct, but I laughed!



My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
Gormal tells you 'im a dwarven onion'
Gormal tells you 'always another beer-soaked layer'

Inama ASSOC:: 'though it may suit your fantasies to think so, i don't need oil for anything.'

Haley: Filthy lucre? I wash that lucre every day until it SHINES!
Ruxur
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Location: Anniston, Alabama

Postby Ruxur » Tue Aug 29, 2006 7:28 am

headline in a phoenix arizona news paper


"Panda Mating Fails, Veternarian Takes Over"

what a guy
Cofen group-says 'wtf, why am i missing a cursed khanjari?'
Alendar group-says 'i r rednek i can only afford the monitor i have mud on and the broken monitor under it'
Nonox tells you 'i think someone casted 'power word gay' on pril'
Malacar ASSOC:: 'must... mp...soon...underwear...cringing...at...oncoming...onslaught...'
Lahgen
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Postby Lahgen » Tue Aug 29, 2006 11:44 am

Raynard D'trell says 'None may challenge the Brotherhood.'

It's funny to me, anyway.
Kesena OOC: 'i wish my daddy bought me power tools'

Dorgh group-says 'damn, even with Cofen helping Mori, they STILL can't kill someone

Hekanut says 'I know level doesn't matter much, but most won't take seriously if a level 2 claims to be the best thing before, during, and after sliced bread.'



Rather than seeing "subpar race/class," see "challenge."
Ruxur
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Postby Ruxur » Tue Aug 29, 2006 6:23 pm

gah lahgen, yer such a bully


leave poor Raynard alone
Cofen group-says 'wtf, why am i missing a cursed khanjari?'

Alendar group-says 'i r rednek i can only afford the monitor i have mud on and the broken monitor under it'

Nonox tells you 'i think someone casted 'power word gay' on pril'

Malacar ASSOC:: 'must... mp...soon...underwear...cringing...at...oncoming...onslaught...'
ssar
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Postby ssar » Tue Aug 29, 2006 9:02 pm

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.

"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"

"40," replies the dog.

"How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"

"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."
BEER
Lahgen
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Postby Lahgen » Wed Aug 30, 2006 1:53 am

Ruxur wrote:gah lahgen, yer such a bully


leave poor Raynard alone


Oh yeah? Who's gonna stop me?
Kesena OOC: 'i wish my daddy bought me power tools'

Dorgh group-says 'damn, even with Cofen helping Mori, they STILL can't kill someone

Hekanut says 'I know level doesn't matter much, but most won't take seriously if a level 2 claims to be the best thing before, during, and after sliced bread.'



Rather than seeing "subpar race/class," see "challenge."
Lilira
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Joined: Thu Aug 28, 2003 3:53 pm

Postby Lilira » Wed Aug 30, 2006 3:03 am

Wow.. that sounded eerily like someone I know....
~\o--Lilira Shadowlyre--o/~

You group-say 'my chars will carry the component on them if I can.'
Inama group-says 'hopefully they'll have some sort of volume discounts on ress items for people like you'
You group-say 'oh? Ya think? *giggle*'
Inama group-says 'they could at least implement frequent dier miles'

Suzalize group-says 'oh, eya's over weight i bet'
Ruxur
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Posts: 749
Joined: Thu Oct 09, 2003 5:39 pm
Location: Anniston, Alabama

Postby Ruxur » Wed Aug 30, 2006 6:03 am

i am scared of you lahgen you big bad bully
Cofen group-says 'wtf, why am i missing a cursed khanjari?'

Alendar group-says 'i r rednek i can only afford the monitor i have mud on and the broken monitor under it'

Nonox tells you 'i think someone casted 'power word gay' on pril'

Malacar ASSOC:: 'must... mp...soon...underwear...cringing...at...oncoming...onslaught...'
Ruxur
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Posts: 749
Joined: Thu Oct 09, 2003 5:39 pm
Location: Anniston, Alabama

Postby Ruxur » Wed Aug 30, 2006 5:26 pm

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when

the wife looks over at him and asks the question...



WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?



HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"



WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"



HUSBAND: "Of course I do."



WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"



HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."



WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)



HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)



WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"



HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."



WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"



HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"



WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"



HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."



WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"



HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"



WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"



HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."



WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?



HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."



WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?



HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."



WIFE: -- silence --



HUSBAND: "Shit!"
Cofen group-says 'wtf, why am i missing a cursed khanjari?'

Alendar group-says 'i r rednek i can only afford the monitor i have mud on and the broken monitor under it'

Nonox tells you 'i think someone casted 'power word gay' on pril'

Malacar ASSOC:: 'must... mp...soon...underwear...cringing...at...oncoming...onslaught...'
Lahgen
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Posts: 542
Joined: Tue Nov 16, 2004 2:58 am

Postby Lahgen » Thu Aug 31, 2006 3:17 am

Ruxur wrote:WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?



HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."



WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?



HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."



WIFE: -- silence --



HUSBAND: "Shit!"


Heh, that guy is an idiot...why doesn't he just reveal his infidelity on Maury like everyone else? :p

Good joke.
Kesena OOC: 'i wish my daddy bought me power tools'

Dorgh group-says 'damn, even with Cofen helping Mori, they STILL can't kill someone

Hekanut says 'I know level doesn't matter much, but most won't take seriously if a level 2 claims to be the best thing before, during, and after sliced bread.'



Rather than seeing "subpar race/class," see "challenge."
Ambar
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Postby Ambar » Thu Aug 31, 2006 11:27 am

hehehehe heard that many times but always funny!!
"When a child is born, so is a grandmother."

-Italian Proverb
Arilin Nydelahar
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Postby Arilin Nydelahar » Wed Sep 06, 2006 2:56 pm

A guy walks into a bar, and orders six shots. The bartender pours them, and he slams them back as fast as he can.

"Woah, buddy!" The bartender says, "why are you drinking so fast?"

"You'd be drinking fast too, if you had what I have," the guy says, gravely.

"Oh," the bartender says, "what do you have?"

"Seventy-five cents."
Shevarash OOC: 'what can I say, I'm attracted to crazy chicks and really short dudes'
Minofagal
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Postby Minofagal » Thu Sep 07, 2006 4:19 pm

A man walks into a bar and says, "OUCH!"

:P
Kaisi tells you 'get smirn, he's better than me'

--HELP! My legs aren't long enough!--
ssar
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Postby ssar » Sun Sep 10, 2006 10:42 am

Image
BEER
Malacar
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Postby Malacar » Mon Sep 11, 2006 12:41 am

The Upset Wife

She came home early and found her husband in bed doing the big nasty with a very attractive young woman.

The wife was VERY upset!

"You are a despicable pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me, a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

He replied, "Hang on a minute love, can I tell you what happened"

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they will be the last words you say to me!"

He began:

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!

In my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you will put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in seconds.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower, while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Since she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her.

I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.."

He took a quick breath and continued:

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help as I walked her to the door.She turned to me with tears in her eyes and said:

"Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
Duna
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Postby Duna » Wed Sep 20, 2006 6:28 am

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ..............Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ....

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.”

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION.”

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
"A true friend unbosoms freely, advises justly, assists readily, adventures boldly, and continues a friend unchangeably." - William Penn
" I"m built for comfort not for speed. " - Carl on Jimmy Neutron.
Ambar
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Postby Ambar » Wed Sep 20, 2006 2:08 pm

buahahaha !!
"When a child is born, so is a grandmother."



-Italian Proverb
Duna
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Postby Duna » Wed Sep 27, 2006 7:13 pm

A little old lady is walking down the street,dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags,and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady... "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no," says the little old lady.

"You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!

""So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey,not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"




"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."
"A true friend unbosoms freely, advises justly, assists readily, adventures boldly, and continues a friend unchangeably." - William Penn
" I"m built for comfort not for speed. " - Carl on Jimmy Neutron.

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