Jokes

[Colje]

Thought maybe we should start a joke thread ;)
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UK Vs SwedenWARNING: This is meant just as a joke, if its offensive in any way I'll remove it. Got it from some friends...heh...

http://axwell.proboards38.com/index.cgi ... 1159523684
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CLASSIC
http://www.starterupsteve.com/flash/htm ... rsed.shtml

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Japs funny video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hitdSOYAdJQ

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Rules all men should live by!!!
WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right
and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks -
this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an
even trade.

NOTHING

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that
will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing"
and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will
get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools
off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is
content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.


THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you
back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with
the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD.

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big
trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is
that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and
you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not ! faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when
she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in
some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to
ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you
"Nothing".


Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can
avoid if they remember the terminology. And send it to your women friends
to give them a good laugh!

[Colje]

Driving Problem, please solve?

>
> Scenario:
>
> You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
> valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same
> speed as you.
>
> In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
> and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at
> ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also
> travelling at the same speed as you.
> What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
> .
> .
> .
> .
> ..
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're p1ssed

[Colje]

Jimmy & the croc

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool!

Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass!

Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.
Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish.
Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"Nah, you right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing.
How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Jimmy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"

Jimmy said, "I want the name of the c*nt who pushed me in the Pool."

[ssar]

> >> When I born, I black,
> >> when I grow up, I black,
> >> when I go in sun,! I black,
> >> when I cold, I black,
> >> when I scared, I black,
> >> when I sick, I black,
> >> and when I die, I still black.
> >>
> >> You white folks....
> >> when you born, you pink,
> >> when you grow up, you white ,
> >> when you go in sun, you red ,
> >> when you cold, you blue ,
> >> when you scared, you yellow,
> >> when you sick, you green,
> >> when you bruised, you purple,
> >> and when you die, you gray.
> >> So who you callin'
> >> COLOURED????

[sok]

what to hear something funny?

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something funny.

[sok]

a metal pipe walks into a bar and says heard anything funny.

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a guy walks into a bar. ouch!

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why did the chicken cross the road?

because it's not funny if he didn't.

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why did the baby cross the road?

he was staple to the chicken.

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want to hear a dirty joke?

white horse fell into mud
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[Colje]

Is Hell Endothermic or Exothermic
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, " it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct. . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"[/b]

[amolol]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don' t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM,IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[Colje]

have some fun with these cartoons:

http://www.vgcats.com

my personal favs:

http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=89

http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=96

http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=121

http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=146

http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=165

[ssar]

Three little ducks go into a Bar.

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."

[Corth]

Ssar,

Your going to lose your reputation for making jokes that are only funny to Australians!

[ssar]

Pavarotti knocks on the Pearly Gates.
St Peter opens them and says "Oh Luciano, it's you, Come on in - squeeze through".
Pavarotti nods and says "I have a letter from the Pope for you".
St Peter opens it up and reads it.
It says: "Here's the tenor I owe you".

[sok]

what goes up and never comes down?

oh wait... the bubble popped.

[Ashiwi]

Okay, it's not a joke, but I was laughing so hard by the time I finished it, that it might as well be. My daughter sent this to me because she said this guy was a man after my own heart.



When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two
digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is."

I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Ontario. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

He said, "My name is Don Hansen."

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.

He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah,"

He screamed, "Stop calling me,"

I said, "Make me,"

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Ontario, a yellow house, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, asshole,"

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Ontario, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Ontario.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Ontario. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

[Dalar]

http://www.nbc.com/The_Office/video/#mea=24568

[Tasan]

A man moves into Metropolis for the first time after spending most of his life in the country. He ends up renting an apartment in a place with a bar on the 5th floor. One day he decides to check out the bar after a particularly bad day at work. He sits down and has the bartender pour him a pint.

A few minutes later a man runs into the bar and tells the bartender he'll have the usual. The bartender pours him a 44 oz beer and as soon as he hands it over, the man chugs it down and races towards the open window. He leaps through the window and falls to the shock of most of the patrons inside.

Not but 2 minutes later, the man reappears in the doorway, racing once more to the bar and asking again for the usual. The first man looks at the guy and doesn't notice any ill effects from what must have been a horrific fall. He asks the man what happened, but the man is too busy drinking to answer. Finished once more with his 2nd 44oz beer, the man sprints to the window once more and leaps through again. This time the first man flys to the window to see the man calmly float the last few feet to the sidewalk before reentering the building.

Two minutes later, the man is back at the bar and the first man looks at him and asks how the hell he is jumping out a 5th story window and not getting hurt.

"It has to do with the amount of bubbles in the beer and how fast you can get them into your system. If I chug this fast enough I become lighter and can float down to the ground. You could never drink this fast enough to do it though."

Never backing down from a challenge before, the first man swipes the 3rd 44oz beer and guzzles it down as fast as he can before he runs to the window and leaps out. A long scream can be heard followed by several other screams from some distance below. One of the patrons that had witnessed the man leap told the sad news of his gory impact with the sidewalk.

The bartender just shook his head at the floating man and said, "You know Superman... you can be a real asshole when you're drunk."