Obligatory (from
here):
The Eye of the World (Book 1):
Rand al'Thor
Tam is my father.
(Nothing happens. Then, nothing happens. Then, unexpectedly, nothing happens. Everything is FRAUGHT with PORTENT.)
Moiraine
Everybody come with me.
Everybody
No. Well, ok.
(They travel a LOT. Something happens that isn't explained. Something happens that doesn't make sense. Something happens.)
Rand al'Thor
Tam is my father.
THE (predictable, cliched, dumb) END
----
The Great Hunt (Book 2):
Rand al'Thor
I want to do something. But doing this something is probably what the Aes Sedai want me to do, so I will do something else. But doing that something else may be what they want me to do, because they think I think they want me to do the first thing, so I'll decide to do this other thing instead. So I'll just do the first thing, since I want to do it anyway. Screw them.
(Repeat seven hundred times.)
THE END
----
The Dragon Reborn (Book 3):
Rand al'Thor
Being the Dragon Reborn stinks. I'm out of here.
(Moiraine and the gang CHASE him. But even though they are on HORSES, and he is WALKING, they never CATCH UP. This is supposed to be MYSTERIOUS but is really just a plot CONVENIENCE for Robert JORDAN.)
Perrin
I hate wolves.
(Mat and others show up out of NOWHERE. This is supposed to be MYSTERIOUS but is really just a plot CONVENIENCE for Robert JORDAN.)
Rand al'Thor
I am the Dragon Reborn. (kills the EVIL SUPREME BAD GUY)
Robert Jordan
Fooled you! That wasn't really the EVIL SUPREME BAD GUY! Now I can write forty more books!
THE END
----
The Shadow Rising (Book 4):
(Everybody HATES Rand, so he BEATS them until they OBEY.)
Rand
I have conquered all sorts of stuff, because I rule.
(Gibbers to self. Five hundred pages pass.)
THE END
----
The Fires of Heaven (Book 5):
Rand
I found an artifact which gives me limitless power. I think I shall brick it up behind a wall.
(A female character SNIFFS and thinks about her NECKLINE.)
THE END
----
Lord of Chaos (Book 6):
Rand
I have a secret plan, but I won't tell you about it.
THE END
----
A Crown of Swords (Book 7):
Rand
Now my secret plan shall be unleashed! Here it is. Are you ready? Are you sure you're ready? I'm going to make it look like I'm attacking this guy. But THEN I will attack some OTHER guy.
(He DOES, and it ALMOST WORKS.)
THE END
----
The Path of Daggers (Book 8):
Mazrim Taim
I am evil, yaargh! Fear me!
Spooky Voice of Lews Therin
Rand, kill Taim.
Rand
Being powerful sucks. I will brood.
THE END
----
Winter's Heart (Book 9):
Perrin
I was going to rescue my wife, but that will have to wait for the next book.
Mat
I was going to escape with my friends, but that will have to wait for the next book.
Egwene
I was going to attack Tar Valon, but that will have to wait for the next book.
THE END
----
Crossroads of Twilight (Book 10):
(Rand BROODS and DREAMS about his THREE WOMEN.)
Minor Characters
There is a large use of the One Power over there. (repeat indefinitely)
Perrin
I was going to save my wife, but that will have to wait for the next book.
Egwene
I was going to attack Tar Valon, but I won't finish it until the next book.
Mat
I might flirt with Tuon in the next book.
THE END
----
New Spring (Book 11):
Reader
I was going to wait for the next book, but that will have to wait for the next book.
THE END
