It's the little things...

Archive of the Sojourn3 General Discussion Forum.
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It\'s the little things...

Postby Ashiwi » Wed Oct 31, 2001 10:20 pm

Something happened to me earlier today, something wonderful, something I have to say 'thank you' for. I was going to post a simple note saying how much I appreciated it, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that nobody here could possibly understand how such a simple act could affect me so deeply. As much as I truly do not want to write what is to follow, it is my hope that perhaps it might bring some understanding to why those 'little things' matter so much. What happened? Iuz gave me a jack o'lantern filled with halloween candy.

In 1997 I had what anybody would have believed to be the perfect family life. My second husband was wonderful to both me and my two children. My children were the best, both bright and caring, and we had really, really good relationships. We talked all the time, about everything. They meant the whole world to me.

Two weeks before Christmas it all changed.

A family member molested my daughter, who was only ten at the time. My daughter came to me the next day to tell me about it, and within half an hour the man was arrested and taken to jail. Apparently my daughter had not been the first, because while he was in jail he confessed to several other incidents, including the violation of his own children. His ex-wife had been so ashamed of the circumstances that she had simply packed up the children and left town without saying anything to anybody. To this day I understand why she did what she did, but I cannot help but think that if she had pressed charges that my daughter might not have been a victim.

His past history meant nothing to the courts. Even though he had confessed to violating several other children, the charges we pressed were the first, and the only ones that mattered. Within two weeks he was out of jail on his own recognizance, ordered to get therapy, and eventually given five years probation.

I was horrified. This man had been in our home regularly before this incident, he was a close family member, we would have to see him at any family function we attended, we were in a position where we could not avoid him. He lives in the same town and passes our home daily. After many sleepless nights, bursts of horribly consuming hatred and anger, confusion, sorrow, all the questions about my own abilities to parent and inabilities to protect those whom I loved the most in this world, I finally made a decision.

I did not want my children anywhere near this man, but at the same time we were not in a position to be able to move. I called my ex-husband, who was always a good father, even if he was a terrible husband. My children now live with their father, out of state. Although I visit and call, the animosity between my ex and I runs so deep that I get to see them only rarely. Every day hurts just as much as the day we moved them out, this great big physical ache of years lost that I will never be able to regain.

I've wanted so much to have another child, perhaps for all the wrong reasons, but the desire is still there. I told myself, however, that once I turned 35 it would not happen. I know that seems a rather arbitrary age, but the chance of birth defects rises drastically at about that stage in a woman's life, and only increases each year.

Did I mention that my birthday is the day after Halloween? Did I mention that I'm turning 35 this year?

Do you remember being a child when your mother's or father's birthday came around? I always wanted to be able to give my mom something she wanted, and it just thrilled me to see her face when I could give her a gift. When my kids asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I would always tell them how much I loved chocolate, and if they wanted to make me really happy, they could give me some of their Halloween candy. Each year after Halloween they would pick through their treats and set aside something nice for me. They were young at the time, but I know it gave them a good feeling to give me something I wanted, and they had gotten on their own, the fact that it was only a little candy never mattered to them.

So anyway, my 35th birthday is tomorrow. I'm not taking it very well this year. Some women just don't age gracefully, but I've never cared how old I was before. You might say I was just a tad down. Way down. Crying for days down.

It's amazing how those little things can make you stop and think. How sometimes they can affect you so much more than grand gestures.

Let me add this in. I have only talked about this to one or two people on the mud, and after today I will not talk about it any more. I will be the person who tries to smile and be happy, no matter what the circumstances in the group. Mudding is one of my tools for taking my mind off of things in real life, and I want to keep it that way. Perhaps this is the one purge I am allowing myself. I always tried to remind myself that my life could be much, much worse than it is, no matter what the situation. I know that I should have stopped with a simple 'thank you,' but how could anybody realize how much this one little act meant for me. Even those responsible would never understand why a couple of strings of colored text could bring me to tears.

We never realize how smiling at a stranger on the street might affect them, or how a kind word from us might change somebody else's day. We rarely see the results of the little things we do in life, and sometimes we might think they really aren't worth doing. I want to let you know that they are worth it, in great big, wonderful ways. Maybe nobody will ever tell you that your smile changed their life, or that it was your quiet words that inspired them in ways they might not have dreamed of before. Perhaps nobody will ever tell you that your actions were a turning point for them, or that they will always remember the kind deed you did for them and the way it affected everything they did afterwards. You might never hear these words, but you can believe somebody has thought them at least once. It is my hope that thoughts like that will follow in our wake wherever we go.

As for me... I don't want pity. I don't want sympathy. I don't want caring and concern. I don't want extra hugs. I don't want to talk about it. I would so much rather none of that happened, and that tomorrow pass as if this post were never made.

All I wanted was something I was thinking I might never get again.

All I wanted was some trick or treat candy.

Thank you Iuz, and thank you Sojourn staff, for everything that you do for us.
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Postby Cerlayne » Wed Oct 31, 2001 10:58 pm

wow... i can honestly say that i have tears in my eyes... i can never imagine dealing with the horrible things you have had to deal with... even if you don't want sympathy you have mine.. you are a very strong woman... i wish you a happy birthday and i hope you get all that you wish for... this halloween is a new one for me.. i have 4 wonderful demon spawn.. err kids... grin... and it is the first time in 9 years i am not going trick or treating with them... my oldest is 10 and she and her friends decided they were big enough to take them all out by themselves.. my lil one is 4 and i can hear them outside having fun and growing up... and this halloween i wish they would just stay lil for just a bit longer... every year they always give me some of their candy... i never eat it because i don't like sweets or chocolate... but i think this year i will eat it.. thank you for reminding us how important the lil things are...

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Postby Kuurg » Thu Nov 01, 2001 12:16 am

<B>As for me... I don't want pity. I don't want sympathy. I don't want caring and concern. I don't want extra hugs. I don't want to talk about it. I would so much rather none of that happened, and that tomorrow pass as if this post were never made.


I don't think you can post something like this and NOT get those things. I'm glad you posted this though. Whether posting had some cathartic effect on you or not, I think anyone who reads this will bring away something good from it.

Thank you,

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Postby Mishre » Thu Nov 01, 2001 6:37 am

Well.. i don't know if this will help you any.. (since you seem to have made up your mind) but my mom is 44 now and still having kids.. (her last was 2 years ago, and she is trying for more) she has 8 kids herself.. none of them have had any birth defects.. but even if they did i know she wouldn't love them or enjoy them any less.. My neice is 6 years old now, she has a seizure dis-order and is autistic and has a learning disability.. so although she is difficult to handle i know my sister loves her very much.. so unless there is a physical reason why you can't have kids for atleast another 10 years i don't think you should think you can't.....
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Postby Dizzin » Thu Nov 01, 2001 7:40 am

Heh, how fitting that I would use a cliche.

No matter how well one thinks they know another person, there's always something that comes up to prove them wrong.

I suppose that goes for both of us lately though, hmm? ... Image

I'm still around to talk, about anything, as per usual... Image

Happy Birthday Elly,

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Postby Ragorn » Thu Nov 01, 2001 8:10 am

Happy birthday, Ashiwi.

- Ragorn
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Postby Shevarash » Thu Nov 01, 2001 9:34 am

Thank you for reminding me what I love about this MUD Ashiwi.

And happy birthday. Image

<B>Shevarash -- Code Forger of Sojourn3
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Postby Zen » Fri Nov 02, 2001 9:54 am

You know, every time I think I've got you figured out.....

Happy Birthday Ash.


Postby Iuz » Fri Nov 02, 2001 10:48 am

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><font face="Verdana, Arial" size="2">Originally posted by Ashiwi:
Thank you Iuz, and thank you Sojourn staff, for everything that you do for us.[/B]</font><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

All I can say is WOW - I have had similar incidences with one of my cousins and her "family member" having abused her daughters. But those are sad feelings for me....

...just glad...GLAD we *the staff* were able to put a little extra lift into your day. We try hard to make the mud a wonderful place to get away from the rl's a game, we all want you guys to have fun..

Lolok Frozencrow
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Postby Lolok Frozencrow » Fri Nov 02, 2001 10:51 am

Happy Birthday Ashiwi!!! Image Image Image Image Image

L ImageL ImageK (Oshorin)(Oromon)
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Postby rylan » Fri Nov 02, 2001 1:41 pm

Thats one of the things I love about this mud.. its here to have fun with, but also serves as a place that you can get your feelings out, and try to get away from some things.

One of the best mud socials is 'snoogie', give someone a snoogie today Image

Happy Birthday Ashiwi Image

[This message has been edited by rylan (edited 11-02-2001).]
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Postby Gort » Fri Nov 02, 2001 2:17 pm

Happy Birthday Ashiwi!!

May the gods, and everyone else smile upon you!

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Postby Xyd » Fri Nov 02, 2001 2:39 pm

Happy (belated) Birthday Ashiwi!


PS - Ya gonna share yer candy? Image
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Postby moritheil » Fri Nov 02, 2001 6:16 pm

Happy birthday!

sorry we made you angry =(

and doubly sorry to hear about your RL.

I hope you find peace and healing.
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Postby Treladian » Fri Nov 02, 2001 8:50 pm

"I don't want caring and concern. I don't want extra hugs."

Ya know, some of us give you those things for more normal reasons regardless Image

[This message has been edited by Treladian (edited 11-02-2001).]
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Postby Leaza » Mon Nov 05, 2001 6:12 pm

First let me say Happy Birthday..from someone that doesnt know you..but only by sight from this mudding world experience we all participate in Image I play Wuva now btw..I read your post on Friday and throughout the weekend I was constantly aware of so many emotions and felt that I had to respond, not out of pity...But out of compassion, out of understanding, and from experience..I must first applaud you for taking the steps to insure your daughters safety as well as others against harm. You may as well as others think, what person wouldnt do the same, I can only answer by saying my mother didnt, nor did the closest of the family members, I dont know from experience what its like to be in your shoes, but I know from being in shoes of your daughter, I am a victim of child abuse, I not only suffered from molestation, rape, and verbal and physical abuse, I was neglected in such a way that the normal everyday of family life was a fairy tale way of life to me, I envyed this, It took years and years to find it, and I still struggle thinking Do I deserve this..your daughter turned to you in a time of need and you was there, I applaud parents that take the time to tell their children, I am here for you..just talk to in me...Always Always stress this and also that if that fails..find someone to tell..even though the system failed for me..It can be such a rewarding experience to know you saved one child..A child should live with love, joy and the ability to do it on their own pace, dont ever force a child to grow up before their time. Your daughter will continue to need you, there will be times when tears cant stop flowing and when anger cant be controlled, your a good mom I can tell, even though this is past, it can never be forgotten, when times proceed especially upon adulthood, be there for her. I think we lose alot of ourselves while playing this mud, we tend to forget what rl holds and some of us can be absolutely normal here, whether in wheelchairs, drinking, fighting or divorcing, whether its rotten bosses, or just average life, We all come here because we find that we enjoy it, it helps, it comforts, its solitude...What hardly anyone knows of me is that Im going deaf, but here I can hear it all, I understand the not seeking pity part well, I look at it this way, I have been challenged in life, and I be damned if I lose....I hope your daughter can always feel love and can feel that what happened will only make her stronger as well as make you stronger also..Hugs
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Postby Rynlaeis » Wed Nov 07, 2001 4:59 am

My mother had my little brother when she was 40 years old, and he's a great guy. It's a risk but hey, what isn't..

Happy belated birthday.

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