They rock, check out this news brief I found
Ünited Stätes Toughens Image With Umlauts
WASHINGTON, DC—In a move designed to make the United States seem more "bad-assed and scary in a quasi-heavy-metal manner," Congress passed a bill Monday changing the nation's name to the Ünited Stätes of Ämerica. "Much like Mötley Crüe and Motörhead, the Ünited Stätes is not to be messed with," said Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK). An upcoming redesign of the Ämerican flag will feature the new name in burnished silver wrought in a jagged, gothic font and bolted to a black background. A new national anthem is also in the works, to be written by composer Glenn Danzig and tentatively titled "Howl Of The She-Demon."
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Those who desire to give up Freedom in order to gain Security, will not have, nor do they deserve, either one.
I love the onion
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Grungar
- Sojourner
- Posts: 967
- Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2001 6:01 am
- Location: Somewhere on the east coast, usually.
- Contact:
The Onion truly is America's finest news source. I'll sit there, read it, crack up, then show people that demand to know what's so funny... They'll look at it, and say "So? That's not funny." or "That didn't happen." Hence, one more reason I'm moving to northern Canadia to farm ice and sell it to the rich, rather than going mad scientist and eradicating humanity. That just wouldn't be very nice.
- Grungar "Posting on no sleep is a bad bad thing" Forgefire
- Grungar "Posting on no sleep is a bad bad thing" Forgefire
Study: Uneducated Outbreeding Intelligentsia 2-To-1
CHICAGO—In a report with dire implications for the intellectual future of America, a University of Chicago study revealed Monday that the nation's uneducated are breeding twice as soon and twice as often as those with university diplomas. "The average member of the American underclass spawns at age 15, compared to age 30 for the average college-educated professional," study leader Kenneth Stalls said. "America's intellectual elite, as a result, is badly losing the genetic marathon, with two generations of dullards born for every one generation of cultured literates." Added Stalls: "At this rate, by the year 2100 there will be five smart people on Earth, swallowed whole by more than 12 billion mouth-breathers incapable of understanding the binary exponentiation that swamped the Earth with their like." High-school dropout Mandi Drucker, 16, said of the findings, "All I know is, we're in love."
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Nekler group-says 'do NOT rescue mori. he is to die this trip :P'
Nunaethil tells you 'You'll be missing out! So far we have the WD fountain totally under control.'
CHICAGO—In a report with dire implications for the intellectual future of America, a University of Chicago study revealed Monday that the nation's uneducated are breeding twice as soon and twice as often as those with university diplomas. "The average member of the American underclass spawns at age 15, compared to age 30 for the average college-educated professional," study leader Kenneth Stalls said. "America's intellectual elite, as a result, is badly losing the genetic marathon, with two generations of dullards born for every one generation of cultured literates." Added Stalls: "At this rate, by the year 2100 there will be five smart people on Earth, swallowed whole by more than 12 billion mouth-breathers incapable of understanding the binary exponentiation that swamped the Earth with their like." High-school dropout Mandi Drucker, 16, said of the findings, "All I know is, we're in love."
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Nekler group-says 'do NOT rescue mori. he is to die this trip :P'
Nunaethil tells you 'You'll be missing out! So far we have the WD fountain totally under control.'
Err... somehow I doubt that's it. Mostly because I _have_ to believe that it takes more intelligence to be a computer programmer than a CEO. But it's the CEO's who keep getting more and more cash...
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Every problem in the universe can be solved by finding the right long-haired prettyboy and beating the crap out of him.
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Every problem in the universe can be solved by finding the right long-haired prettyboy and beating the crap out of him.
Funny Monkey Tested On
Captain Bananas, a funny little monkey whose simian shenanigans never fail to crack up everyone he meets, was strenuously and repeatedly tested on at ViviTech Consumer Products Research Laboratory last week.
The delightful Captain Bananas, a four-year-old rhesus monkey, is a source of never-ending amusement for the people lucky enough to work with him in ViviTech's Irritability And Toxicity Testing Division.
"I just love the Captain. He's always doing something crazy to make me laugh!" effused subcutaneous/ocular-irritant trauma technician Sarah Downing. "Yesterday morning, when he saw me coming, he jumped around his cage and squealed with glee. Then he spun around and did a handstand! I was laughing so hard, I was barely able to strap him to a table, drill a hole in his skull, insert electrical probes into his cerebral cortex to monitor pain responses, sew his anus shut, cut his left eyelid off with shears, seal his tear ducts with a cauterizing iron, and inject a concentrated mixture of cadmium chlorate directly into his exposed eyeball."
"Aren't you a silly little fellow? Aren't you?" Downing said to Captain Bananas, patting him lovingly but carefully on the head to avoid dislodging the high-amperage electrodes in his cranium. "Yes, you are! Yes, you are!"
Downing said that after yesterday's experiment, designed to measure the time necessary for cadmium chloride to completely dissolve an eyeball, Captain Bananas was given "the cutest little eyepatch."
"Who's a little pirate? Who's a liddle widdle pirate?" she asked Captain Bananas as he scratched meekly at the square of cloth sewn over his now-empty socket. "You are! Yes, you are! Ahoy, Captain!"
Downing is by no means Captain Bananas' only fan at ViviTech. "I never get tired of that crazy little guy. Every time I see him, he always puts a smile on my face," said Dwayne Stebbins, a chloroxylene chemist who has enjoyed plenty of the monkey's hilarious antics during his study of the long-term effects of stove-cleaner ingestion on primates. "I remember this one time, we forced 2.7 liters of flammable lighter-fluid/paint-thinner mixture down his throat--oh, the look on his face! A few hours later, he really cracked us up when he defecated the entire volume of undigested chemicals onto a lit bunsen burner. I tell you, you haven't truly seen 'monkeyshines' until you've seen liquid flame pour from Captain Bananas' anus."
Admittedly, after years of having his skin shaved off with experimental razorblades, limbs broken and rebroken to test playground equipment, and mucus membranes injected with new industrial solvents, Captain Bananas is a bit worse for wear. But ViviTech spokespersons say his remaining eye is as bright as ever.
"We've got lots of animals here in the lab, but Captain Bananas is still everyone's favorite--not just for his bottomless bag of crazy tricks, but also for his phenomenally high pain threshold," Downing said.
As beloved as he is, though, Captain Bananas will soon have to move on. "Unfortunately, even an irrepressible critter like The Captain has only so many tests in him," Downing said. "So next month, after Captain Bananas helps us determine how much tub-and-tile spray it takes to remove a monkey's skin, it's off to 'Monkey Retirement Camp' for him."
Officials at ViviTech's Monkey Retirement Camp, a motorcycle-helmet testing range, said they are "very much looking forward" to discovering Captain Bananas' unique sense of humor, as well as his skull's elastic and tensile limits, for themselves.
Captain Bananas, a funny little monkey whose simian shenanigans never fail to crack up everyone he meets, was strenuously and repeatedly tested on at ViviTech Consumer Products Research Laboratory last week.
The delightful Captain Bananas, a four-year-old rhesus monkey, is a source of never-ending amusement for the people lucky enough to work with him in ViviTech's Irritability And Toxicity Testing Division.
"I just love the Captain. He's always doing something crazy to make me laugh!" effused subcutaneous/ocular-irritant trauma technician Sarah Downing. "Yesterday morning, when he saw me coming, he jumped around his cage and squealed with glee. Then he spun around and did a handstand! I was laughing so hard, I was barely able to strap him to a table, drill a hole in his skull, insert electrical probes into his cerebral cortex to monitor pain responses, sew his anus shut, cut his left eyelid off with shears, seal his tear ducts with a cauterizing iron, and inject a concentrated mixture of cadmium chlorate directly into his exposed eyeball."
"Aren't you a silly little fellow? Aren't you?" Downing said to Captain Bananas, patting him lovingly but carefully on the head to avoid dislodging the high-amperage electrodes in his cranium. "Yes, you are! Yes, you are!"
Downing said that after yesterday's experiment, designed to measure the time necessary for cadmium chloride to completely dissolve an eyeball, Captain Bananas was given "the cutest little eyepatch."
"Who's a little pirate? Who's a liddle widdle pirate?" she asked Captain Bananas as he scratched meekly at the square of cloth sewn over his now-empty socket. "You are! Yes, you are! Ahoy, Captain!"
Downing is by no means Captain Bananas' only fan at ViviTech. "I never get tired of that crazy little guy. Every time I see him, he always puts a smile on my face," said Dwayne Stebbins, a chloroxylene chemist who has enjoyed plenty of the monkey's hilarious antics during his study of the long-term effects of stove-cleaner ingestion on primates. "I remember this one time, we forced 2.7 liters of flammable lighter-fluid/paint-thinner mixture down his throat--oh, the look on his face! A few hours later, he really cracked us up when he defecated the entire volume of undigested chemicals onto a lit bunsen burner. I tell you, you haven't truly seen 'monkeyshines' until you've seen liquid flame pour from Captain Bananas' anus."
Admittedly, after years of having his skin shaved off with experimental razorblades, limbs broken and rebroken to test playground equipment, and mucus membranes injected with new industrial solvents, Captain Bananas is a bit worse for wear. But ViviTech spokespersons say his remaining eye is as bright as ever.
"We've got lots of animals here in the lab, but Captain Bananas is still everyone's favorite--not just for his bottomless bag of crazy tricks, but also for his phenomenally high pain threshold," Downing said.
As beloved as he is, though, Captain Bananas will soon have to move on. "Unfortunately, even an irrepressible critter like The Captain has only so many tests in him," Downing said. "So next month, after Captain Bananas helps us determine how much tub-and-tile spray it takes to remove a monkey's skin, it's off to 'Monkey Retirement Camp' for him."
Officials at ViviTech's Monkey Retirement Camp, a motorcycle-helmet testing range, said they are "very much looking forward" to discovering Captain Bananas' unique sense of humor, as well as his skull's elastic and tensile limits, for themselves.
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